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Post by Beckie on Oct 30, 2003 0:14:40 GMT -5
I've been stewing on this for a few days. My daughter got a great note from her teacher about her progress and effort in class. That's great. I'm a proud Mama. Then, at the bottom, she writes: Work with her consistently at home on her homework - This will show you where she needs help.I don't know this woman. I've talked to her once, but I keep reading those words and feeling like I should be punished. I am not consistent with the housework, I have projects that will likely never be finished, and I'm not always consistant with the homework. 9 times out of 10, I notice the dishes need done. I leave her working at the table and go to do those. Or something else catches my eye and there I am, working on that instead of helping with homework. I feel like I'm failing my daughter because I can't sit long enough to help her out. And I feel like the teacher's got a camera in my house, and sitting on her throne saying, 'See. I knew you were a bad parent' Ugh. I told myself I was going to do better, and this week I have. What about next week and next month? I know I'm going to drift again -- It's what I do.  Beckie |
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Post by Douglas on Oct 30, 2003 5:32:56 GMT -5
Beckie
I know exactly how you feel. I went thru a period of trying to help my older daughter with her math homework, and it did not go well! I have a strong math background and used to be a teacher as well, so you'd think I could have handled it! Instead, I only left her frustrated and confused.
Are you formally diagnosed as ADD? Is the drifting attention you experienced in this situation typical of most attention-oriented situations for you?
First and foremost, don't beat yourself up over this! It's a problem, but not a reflection of your character. You should no more feel guilty about this phenomenon than you would feel guilty about seizures if you were epileptic.
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Post by Honeysmom on Oct 30, 2003 8:27:57 GMT -5
Beckie, I would not beat myself up over the note. Is it possible that she just put it there as a suggestion, not necessairly as a dig against you? Maybe she didn't mean it as harsh as it sounded, letters and emails are hard to interpert because you don't know the context or attitude they were wrote with. I have a hard time with homework too. It is hard enough to get my own done, but at least 2 or 3 times a week my brother in law asks me for help. He is in 8th grade, and by the time I am done "explaining" it he is so confused he is worst off. Strangly enough, I am like Douglas, I am a math wiz, but I cannot explain it for the life of me. I am going to school to be a teacher and had to change my minor because I only make sense to myself. Oh well...  |
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Post by Douglas on Oct 30, 2003 9:42:31 GMT -5
That's a good point. As a dyed-in-the-wool, life-long ADD, I have been overly sensitive to criticism and have taken things too seriously almost every waking moment.
I catch myself doing this constantly --- it derives from our low self-esteem and the fact that we believe in our hearts that our performance is sub-standard, so why shouldn't the world criticize us? But often we are inventing problems that aren't there.
Let me echo Honeysmom's suggestion, Beckie, that this might be the case here. Perhaps no criticism was intended in the note --- and perhaps you can offer yourself some gentleness and grace here. You are surely deserving.
D
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Post by basket on Oct 30, 2003 9:59:54 GMT -5
I think Douglas is right. We are defensive and "feel" criticism because of self esteem issues created by ADD and, like you said, "Not finishing things and jumping from one thing to another". At the end of the day, we look around bewildered as to why things still aren't done, we've been doing EVERYTHING and yet nothing is finished?  ? It makes us sensitive to what others say, even if they aren't being critical, because we are critical of ourselves. You ARE right there with her. Maybe doing the dishes, but, she can read aloud to you and ask questions even if you aren't sitting right beside her. You care, and that scores high mom points!!!!!! |
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Post by Beckie on Oct 30, 2003 11:35:01 GMT -5
I've been thinking, (I think that's the problem right there. ;D) I do tend to be overly-sensitive. I don't know how many times my husband will say something and I immediately get defensive. He's always having to explain that he didn't mean me directly, or that it was not my fault, etc. Thinking back to my childhood, I was the same then. I'm sure this teacher didn't mean it the way I took it. The sting is there though -- Self-inflicted, I suppose.
I'm also overly-serious. It's not something I tend to like about myself. I just have a very difficult time letting go. I don't 'get' jokes too often, and again, I read into things and take what is meant to be a light-hearted teasing very personal and serious. I'm wondering now, is this a product of the ADD and esteem issues that follow all too frequently in it's wake? Hmm.
There are so many hurdles to jump. I expect to trip frequently and have to start at the line again. What else can one do?
I can help my daughter to the best of my ability. For the moment, my best will have to work. Maybe my best will be something different after much attention to the problem, and a lot of self-building. I resign myself to the fact that it won't be easy.
Beckie
Ps. Doug, I was diagnosed via my GP who has a good grasp of who I am, my problems, etc. I was taking AdderallXr, but that didn't last. I couldn't stand the side-effects. I'm currently not medicated, and unsure if I will choose that route in the future.
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Post by Douglas on Oct 30, 2003 11:42:14 GMT -5
Beckie
I'd recommend that you discuss Strattera with your physician, but I've just begun it myself so I can't say for sure how effective it is.
By all means, assure your daughter of your intentions, and give her permission to grab you by the ankles if necessary to get your attention if she needs you! Don't let her develop the idea that your drifting attention means you're not involved with what she's doing.
Hoping things improve for you!
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Post by susanthemom on Oct 30, 2003 23:49:03 GMT -5
Hiya Beckie, I know this might sound ridiculous, but is it possible that the teacher may have written this to several, if not all of the parents? Like a reminder of sorts, her civic duty of the week kinda thing. Seems to me that they are probably alot of parents who do virtually nothing in regards to their kids homework and dismiss the lack of effort as "let the teachers do the teaching." Don't beat yourself up. Being sensitive can definetly be a stumbling block for some of us, but getting busy with dishes and life from time to time, is certainly not the exception to rule.  Susan |
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Post by Beckie on Oct 31, 2003 2:58:35 GMT -5
Susan - It's certainly not ridiculous. It's probably very much the truth. I just took it very personally. Beckie |
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Post by merrymary on Nov 4, 2003 0:40:04 GMT -5
As an educator, a adhd mom, of an adhd kindergartener I come to this topic with many "opinions"....
Foremost, homework SHOULD NOT BE the responsibility of the parents... regardless of adhd in the household or not!
(for an awesome research based book: The end of homework: how homework disrupts families, overburdens children, and limits learning) Read it and pass it out to everyone in your neighborhood. We have to take a stand against the homework issue especially in our elementary schools.
But back on track (a mild adhd moment there!) ;D
My advise to parents is that they provide a quiet space and routine time (less than 10 minutes x the grade level-5th grade NO MORE THAN 50 minutes). It is the child's responsibility to get on task, ask questions etc.
NO BATTLES, no begging of the kid to do it...it is there time, if they do it great, if not great...move onto the task of enjoying family life.
Questions to ask teachers: What is the consequence if the CHILD does not do it? If they claim grades get lowered ask WHY? if they say there is no recess...then great let the kid live with that...and then let the teacher live with that if the adhder gets no physical release!
Our children (adhd or not) will never learn independence if we continue to monitor and control the homework. Make it their thing... I guarentee a happier household for all.
As a fifth grade teacher for many years, I held firm that home time is play time and family time. The only work my kids went home with was work they did not do in class. And as for my adhd kids...when it was THEIR responsiblity and the parents stepped back they stepped up to the plate ( i had a reading log..if not returned no funfriday activity choice time!)
As for me the adhd mom, i find the homework thing to be one of my BORING tasks, hence i don't want to do it...my daughter has no interest...and what is more ridiculous is homework that non readers have that requires reading directions....
BUT...part of it was bring show and tell..and after a month of me reminding her...i chose not to last friday...she didn't get to share...i was empathetic and bummed...but guess what...she did the homework today so she would never miss out on the show and tell.
Last little tidbit..i am a big fan of LOVE AND LOGIC (www.loveandlogic.com)...I found it as an educator and I firmly believe in their parenting perspective. We need to raise independent responsible little people through 'love and logic"...they have an audio tape called Calming the Chaos for parenting adhd...i have just ordered it!
m
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Post by Beckie on Nov 4, 2003 8:10:19 GMT -5
Some good advice, thank you.
I've erased this three times. It was becoming a book!
Just having someone with experience with teaching, parenting and being and adult with ADD got me all excited. ;D
We have an IAT meeting scheduled for sometime in November. The issue of homework is going to be brought up. (By me) It usually isn't a huge struggle if we do it immediately after school. Anytime after she's been outside for an hour or more, there's no getting her to sit down and work. BUT, my issue with homework is that while I do know that Math is a problem area for her, I don't feel it bares any basis for her actual Knowledge of the work.
In 2nd grade, she is reading the Harry Potter books with a full understanding of what she's read. She has passed every spelling test, AND the test on plants (naming the parts, answering questions about plants, etc). She's never missed a spelling word and only missed one on the plant test. Can I just admit that we don't study for these things? She KNOWS the material. We've never pushed studying. If she asks us questions, we answer them. We have a feel for what she knows and what she doesn't. We live with her. We talk to her, and we just know w/out homework. Teachers have a way of making you forget things like that with such little comments. (Or maybe that's just me and my over-sensitivity again?)
Anyway, it's great to hear from a teacher and another Adult with ADD. Let me just offer you HUGE ((HUGS)) ;D
Beckie -- Who wrote a book regardless of trying to tone it down!
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Post by merrymary on Nov 4, 2003 23:46:21 GMT -5
Well..another lucky moment for you...i am a math specialist. I am currently teaching a course to undergrads on "how to teach mathematics to elementary school kids" (math methods).
If a " Drill and kill"/repeated practice approach is being used...it may be WAY TO BORING for your daughter to keep her interest!!!!
May I suggest Kathy Richardson-Developing Number Sense. (get them on amazon) They are easily used by parents too! Basically, these activites allow the children to " Develop" their natural gifts for mathematical thinking through lots of experience (that they think are games!)
For example, our 2nd graders should leave having excellent "fluency" of numbers to 18 ... Be able to take them apart an put them together with ease! If exploring the number 8: The child may have beans painted white on one side and red on the other. They count out 8 and shake them out of a cup and color to record...So they will discover 7+1, 6+2 5+3 all on their own in a meaningful way without flash cards and timed tests...There are probably 30+ other activities that explore a number (in this case 8)...as adults we know they are the same "game" but with new materials and new recording sheets the kids think it is all NEW FUN.
I will jump off the soap box...but what I am trying to get at is this: Does the teacher know what the math homework is attempting to "practice" or is it just meaningless busy work? Not to rip on her/him...but if they answer: fact practice...or addition practice...wouldn't this be a more appropriate type of homework for your daughter...(i mean ALL KIDS!)...
Just some more info for you to help her at the IAT... mr
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Post by george2 on Mar 15, 2005 18:43:38 GMT -5
Hi Beckie,
My principal asked me to teach the non-mastery math class one year. These are the young learners that have much trouble with the materials.
First of the teacher needs to have a constant journal with the work assignments and expectations listed in it. You can't do what you don't know you are supposed to do. Any work that is done by you child should be sent to you immediately so you can find where she missed a step. In math one place missed creates a void that expands outward to many other areas of learning. All of the learning hooks together in math. Find the voids in the learning and work backwords to fill in the information she missed learning. It works. My students did every problem over until they got all of them correct. The had to do every problem on the test over until they had a hundred persent correct and we finished the whole book by the end of the year.
If all of the steps are there it makes sense.
Hope I have helped. I have twenty years of teaching experience and have ADHD also.
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