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Post by on_edge on Nov 1, 2003 16:40:51 GMT -5
 I need advice please. I have members of my family (sister/husband, grandma/grandpa) that believes my daughter is just a brat and need better parenting. In fact the last get together, my mother brought out a flyswater and ordered me to do something. DD was just being loud and running around the backyard. She did have me on ignore while she was playing with the dog and her cousin, but she was not bothering anything or hurting anyone. Cousin doing the same since she copies everything dd does. I don't even bother with the adhd explanation because Mom is a complete believer of children are to be seen not heard, even outside playing or the swimming pool. Sister and her husband don't want their daughter around mine because she will be a bad influence. The other sister has the daughter that plays with mine, but does get mad at me because her child copies what mine does. But, she is studying to be a teacher and getting better educated about adhd and now openly discusses it with me and accepts dd's condition better. Now that is the brief history of our family disfunction. My request for advice is the holidays are here and I really want to limit contact between daughter and the unaccepting family members, but I don't want to create a bigger rift. I am worried about blowing up at them when the constant nagging starts. How does everyone handle their families? The reason I don't bother with explaing adhd is my Mother listens to everyone and everything but me. For example, my 15 year son wore a black concert t-shirt that had a crossbone on it with the band's name. Since her friend's grandson wore black, had a crossbone picture in his room, and started getting into trouble at school and drugs, my son had mental problems, too. I tried to explain that all the kids who went to the concert had the same t-shirt and just the day before he was wearing orange. Still, her friend had more influence over my Mom's thinking than me. She is one of those moms who always worried about "what the neighbor will think." I have been excluded from family things because she wanted to impress someone and my kids don't do that for her or she didn't want to deal with my family, but I am horrible at confrontation with my family and just try to hold my chin up and ignore what they say.
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MommaToFive
Full Member
With God all things are possible!!
Posts: 113
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Post by MommaToFive on Nov 1, 2003 17:10:56 GMT -5
To be quite honest I probably don't neccesarily handle things in the best way myself. I have some very similar situations in my own family. I am sorry to hear that you are having problems too...  I limit my son's "exposure" to the unaccepting and in my opinion rude members of my family. I do not really attend "family" functions. And if I do attend we don't stay long. And my family knows by now not to try to tell me what is best for my children. I have made it quite clear that while I appreciate their opinions, I would rather they keep their opinions to themselves! It has worked well and they are learning that he is a great kid and just has some problems every once in a while. I don't know if this helps but it has worked for us. Good luck and I will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers!! Hang in there.... Erin |
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Post by Veronika on Nov 1, 2003 20:48:33 GMT -5
I think you should call your family members and explain to them that these are your children. If they can't except the way they dress,and can't understand they may not be 'perfect', then they are going to miss out on spending the hoildays with them.
I would make it veryclear to them that if they voice any opinions or say anything negative about you or your kids that you will leave. I know you don't want to be nasty, but you can be direct. If you let them knock you down, they will continue doing it.
Do you live far away from your family? I'm just asking because if you do, it would be easier to leave and go home if a problem arises.
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Post by jachkldavis on Nov 1, 2003 21:11:30 GMT -5
The way I look at it is dealing with the child and the ADD/ADHD and the day to day is enough. I would let them all know ahead of time that the issue is not open for discussion or comments. If they cant abide by that then have a nice holiday without your family. I am in the same situation. I spoke with all the family and told them that this was a hard enough decision for mu husband and I. I do not need the extra stress of their comments or discussions about it. I know my child better than the rest of them and this was what we decided. I told them if this was going to be a problem then we will spend the holidays with out them. It is hard but you have to let them know you mean business! Good Luck....dealing with family is always hard. Christine  |
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Post by Linda on Nov 1, 2003 22:05:56 GMT -5
I have always handled it by not going...PERIOD..I figure it is there loss. Start a tradition of your own with accepting members of your family..you sure don't need the extra stress at holidays!  |
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Post by ridgerunner on Nov 1, 2003 22:26:25 GMT -5
We haven't had the holiday problems "YET" but I think I "nipped it in the bud" during day to day visits.
We were at my inlaws a while back and I had told my children to do something (been a while don't remember what--cleaning up lunch dishes after them selves maybe) It was something simple and my Father in law told them that they didn't have to do it. I not so nicely told him that they were my children, that even though we were at his house they still had to mind ME! and that if he didn't like the way that I parented my children he could tell them bye and we would leave.
From then on we haven't had a problem. He almost told them that they could go outside the other night (when it was cold) but then he looked up and said ask your mother. He doesn't seem to have hard feelings just knows that it bothers me.
Only you know how to best deal with your family. If you don't think that they will listen then it might be a happier Holiday if they are not around.
[glow=green,2,300]Angie[/glow]
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Post by Jorgy on Nov 2, 2003 1:31:38 GMT -5
I do what Linda does. We have holidays at home and if someone wants to join us, great. they are welcome but we do our own traditions. This year though for Thanksgiving we are going to the twin cities, staying in a motel with family, letting the kids swim and run and ordering out pizza! How's that for a new tradition?! Sue
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Post by Douglas on Nov 2, 2003 9:09:34 GMT -5
I have found that a good step to take is to make clear that my family will only be " Dropping in" --- that me and the kids can only be present at the function until a certain time, kind of get-in and get-out, because we have to be somewhere else. Other family members then tend to approach us tentatively, knowing that since time is limited, idle chit-chat and proffered expertise will not be the order of the day. Only the really important things get said, and the kids don't really have time to get crazy.
It's not a good solution, but it has worked.
D
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Post by Dad2Brooke on Nov 2, 2003 22:42:23 GMT -5
My parents used to think it was bad parenting and that I didn't discipline my daughter. Then I let them watch Brooke for a weekend. After their parenting skills crashed and burned all weekend long, they were willing to listen to me about ADHD.
I also try to have Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner at my house. That way, they can leave whenever they want. We only live an hours drive apart, so that may not work for every one on the forum.
My inlaws, on the other hand, understand completely, and never needed convincing. My wife (their daughter) is ADHD.
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Post by onedge on Nov 2, 2003 23:57:25 GMT -5
I did work out Thanksgiving, actually my sister did. My parents and the sister who has the child they don't want around mine decided to have Thanksgiving at her house and didn't bother to ask input from me or the other sister. We decided not to join since they live in a small apartment and there is no place for the kids to play. I am relieved but kind of miffed because did anyone take that into consideration. Could you imagine ten adults, four teenagers, four children, and two babies in a small two bedroom apartment. Nope, not for us this time. But, I still have to get through Christmas since Mom insists it is at her house and it is not kid friendly, no play area except the patio, and a unfenced pool to worry about.
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Post by Dad2Brooke on Nov 3, 2003 9:15:27 GMT -5
I did work out Thanksgiving, actually my sister did. My parents and the sister who has the child they don't want around mine decided to have Thanksgiving at her house and didn't bother to ask input from me or the other sister. We decided not to join since they live in a small apartment and there is no place for the kids to play. I am relieved but kind of miffed because did anyone take that into consideration. Could you imagine ten adults, four teenagers, four children, and two babies in a small two bedroom apartment. Nope, not for us this time. But, I still have to get through Christmas since Mom insists it is at her house and it is not kid friendly, no play area except the patio, and a unfenced pool to worry about. IMHO, I think you should do the holidays either with your own little family or with the sister that you get along with. Sounds to me like mom and other sister are going out of their way to make you and yours miserable. Who needs that? Holidays are stressful enough without the added BS from them. Maybe your absence will make them think. Maybe not. But if they don't care, then why should you. Again, that is my opinion, and maybe it is testosterone talking, but that is what I would do in your situation. Especially since they will not even listen to your explanations. |
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Post by Honeysmom on Nov 3, 2003 10:49:39 GMT -5
 I dread holidays!! Honey gets overstimulated really really fast. To make it worse my family thinks were are bad parents or they make a snippy comment like, " Did he have his meds today?" I hate it when my mom asks that! For all holidays my family thinks that everyone needs to eat a ton of candy and a bunch of snacks. Both of my kids are on very strict diets because they have bathroom issues and everyone thinks that "one day will not hurt." So they load them up on candy and junk and then get annoyed when they run around like banchies. I told my family, which includes my mom and 2 great-grandmas, not to put out candy when my kids are there. If they insist, please give them sugar free candy. When they do put it out it is so hard to tell and 2 and 4 yo that "no, you can't have any, but everyone else can." Also, my sister (who is ADD) thinks it is really funny to get my kids all wound up by playing rough games and running around. Then she gets mad at me when they will not settle down. Everytime I see her I say, Play all you want, but if you get them wild, you are in charge! This is the first year we have decided to not go with our familes for Thanksgiving. I am so excited! I do not know if I'll be able to get away with it forever, but this year my 5 yr anniversary is on Thanksgiving and I told everyone that we are having close friends over for a party and couldn't make it home. With any luck I'll break my leg the day before Christmas and will get out of that one too!!! Good luck...Becky
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Jenn
Full Member
Hey all just let me know you are from ADHD site :)
Posts: 121
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Post by Jenn on Nov 3, 2003 11:55:42 GMT -5
I am lucky. Scott's family knows that Mikie is big on the hyper and that by the time we have dinner his meds are done for. They treat him normal and don't care if he get's a little wound up, they just remind the older kids to try to keep him calm and not get too over exicted. Scott's aunt let's him have all kinds of goodies even if he don't eat much "food".
This year we are on our own, because his aunt and her husband is going to his mom's house because his dad died close to a year ago. It will be different. I have only had to cook Thanksgiving dinner once and I dont think I have ever cooked Christmas dinner.
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Post by loveforeric on Nov 18, 2003 15:23:41 GMT -5
On Edge;
I have to agree with Linda. My family did the same thing to my children adn I stopped going. Now we have our own holidays and if anyone wnats to come and be pleasant than the door is open to them. The stress of the day to day is hard enough for you and your family, the holidays are supposed to be enjoyable. So do enjoy them peacefully. Have a good day,
Christina 
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Post by eaccae on Nov 18, 2003 17:28:27 GMT -5
After reading your other post - I am glad to hear your mom is starting to come around. Before Christmas - go over some ground rules with her. Tell her she is lucky - our Christmas Eve is going to contain 10 children between the ages of 1-8 - adhd or no adhd - when children get together around the holidays it is going to be a little noisy! You need to have a game plan regarding your other sister though. Decide what you are going to do if she says something to you! My sister and I are extremely close but we can also set each other off like a firecracker in seconds!
If your neice's behavior is so perfect - how is your DD going to undue all of that in a couple of hours?! Please! Maybe your neice isn't as "perfect" as she is projected to be (most kids aren't)! Just know in your heart - that it is your sister and brother-in-law that are missing out on how wonderful their neice is. Hopefully you mom will start to see things through different eyes and start to really enjoy your wonderful daughter!
I married into quite the dysfunctional family (dysfunctional because they are sooooooo close) so I know how ridiculous it can all be. Good luck! And hopefully your sister will come around like your mom is starting to!!
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