Does Your Child Feel Loved?

[swmom]

Thought I'd share this...

I was sitting around with some friends from high school and we were all talking about our kids.
The conversation centered around our fears. What we worry about when it comes to our kids, i.e. how they're doing in school, if they're doing ok socially, are they hanging out with the right crowd, etc. Then, a friend of mine, who ironically doesn't have kids, said, "Do your kids feel loved?" There was silence. I thought about that. Does my child feel loved? This was gut-wrenching for me because I wasn't so sure she did. Since she was born, we've had every worry in the world about her, especially when it became apparent that something was up. But we had never worried about whether she felt loved. My friend went on, "If they feel loved, there
really shouldn't be any other worries." If they feel loved, they'll do the best they can in school. And that should be good enough. If they feel loved, they'll make good decisions regarding their friends. This was all blowing me away because I'd never really realized how important that is. I just took it for granted that because we were doing so much for her, she 'felt' loved. How could I be so dumb? So, I started to work on the way I was relating to her. I became a better listener. I tried to understand her point of view. I tried to show her respect and trust her to do the right thing. It's made a big difference in her confidence level and the way she feels about herself. Yes, she still has problems. But now I think she realizes that she's OK in mom and dad's eyes no matter what. And that's huge. I had no idea...
and my friend doesn't have kids!

[ohmama]

Your friend probably got this from her own childhood. We all carry a child around inside us and when we grow up we have to nurture it. If there was a loss of that loved feeling when little, it stands out in our adult years. She has given you the best advice and insight possible, it came from the little child inside her heart. I think people like this have a great potential to be child psychologists. I would be curious to know what she does for a living?

[Linda]

One thing for sure..your friend is going to make a good mom...she makes a lot of sense!!

The answer to your question..oh yes they feel loved...I don't get a whole lot of hugs and kisses from my big 15 year old...but his eyes light up when I walk in the room and a big smile lights up his face..so you see it is a 2 way street...make any sense?

[swmom]

ohmama -

My friend is a guy. He is a Christmas tree farmer in Georgia.

[Dad2Brooke]

Wow , she must have an old soul.

I definately think that Brooke feels loved.

But there are many times after I am upset with her that I could kick myself about how I handled the situation. And think that she must hate me for it.

But she doesn't and she is always ready with a hug or for a hug.

Wow, swmom your post really has me rethinking things...

[swmom]

Linda -

Yes, that makes sense. You're right. Why is it that it has taken me this long to figure that out!!!! Ugh!

[mom2tj]

I do my best to show him every day how much he is loves not only by telling him wich I do about 20 times a day but I also lissen even when its sooo boring how Yu-Gi-Oh has batled whatever LOL I pretend to be interested I make sure he knows that we want whats best for him and he get so many hugs I drive him nuts... I never got that when I was a kid I know my parents loved me but hugs and to be told is reasuring even if they sometimes they look annoyed ;D

[1mom]

great question! i do think my turbo feels loved, i don't know how he could feel otherwise. he is our heart, our world, or dreams come true. now, there are times he'll swear that we don't love him, but this is when we've had to give consequences for actions, or deny him some privilege he's not deserved or old enough for. when he was younger, he'd sometimes give us the old "i hate you!", but that never lasted too long. now he will get mad when he's denied, but he never holds a grudge or stays mad for long. we always end the day with prayers and 'i love you's' and we try very hard to let him know very often how special and "good" he is--compliments aren't a rare thing here.
well, i just went and asked him, "from 0-10, how loved do you feel?" he replied, "a 12! even when i'm mad at you about something, i always know that y'all love me. there's a big difference between like and love."
so, for today, we are loved and he is loved, and we all 3 know it. not much better than that.
i'm also from a demonstrative family, so hugs/kisses and other signs of affection are the norm.
i hope he always feels loved. i think providing structure, boundaries, expectations, and stability make children feel secure. the feelings of unconditional love, touch, talking/listening, and pride all are key to helping our kids feel loved.
it breaks my heart to see parents who confuse friendship, indulgence, & material items with "love". they trade in respect, life lessons, and raising independent, succesful adults for 'fun', lack of responsibilities, and always defending their child's choices. these kids may think/say they are loved until they grow into unhappy, spoiled, selfish children who are always have to be taken care of by their parents.
ok, off the soapbox i go!
prayers,
1mom

[kstquilter]

this is a great question but don't think that if they simply feel loved they make the right choices, do well in school, etc. especially our kids.
we try hard to tell and show both our kids how much we love them. both in actions and words.
but don't believe dd feels loved. she thinks she's been a burden to us which breaks my heart. she's never been very affectionate with us but we try to tell her and show her all the time how much she means to us. i think we take special pains with her because so many others treat her so poorly.
but don't think feeling loved helps her in school or with much of anything. maybe self esteem if she really felt loved. then i'm not sure any of can realize how much our parents love us. when dd was first born, i tried to understand that this must be how much my parents love me and i can't even imagine it.
while i think this is a nice thought, it seems a little overly simple when it comes to the wide variety of problems our kids encounter.
karen

[swmom]

kstquilter -

I see your point. Making a child with numerous problems feel loved may not be as easy as my friend
believed it to be. In fact, it's got to be one of the hardest things I've ever done, ever. And I still have lots to learn! I guess the point I was trying to make is that I realized that once I started to change my behavior toward my daughter, she started to feel better about herself. I wasn't going about it the right way.

We have a little boy in our neighborhood who has had numerous problems - all sorts of learning disabilities, seizures, you name it. But this little guy has more self esteem than any kid I know. His parents must be doing something to make him feel so good about himself. It's really amazing. I truly believe it's possible to make a child with problems feel good about themselves. It's not easy, not at all. But I believe it's possible.

[kstquilter]

sw,
i do know that sometimes how i treat dd makes a difference in how she responds. i think we all try hard with our kids. you are right about how we treat our kids makes a difference in all aspects of their lives.
guess i just didn't want your friend to think that simply by loving our kids, their problems would disappear. i hear enough of that sort of logic, if you disciplined your child more, etc. that i didn't want anyone to think we don't love our kids enough.
karen

[LitlBaa]

Katie does not feel loved. She tells us that she knows how much we hate her several times a week. I'm not sure if she really doesn't feel loved or if this is her professional victim thing coming out again. I know she's hurt that her father doesn't spend hardly any time with her, and he's only a few hours away, and she takes it out on my husband.