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Post by kstquilter on Dec 28, 2003 22:40:05 GMT -5
well i just had an awful day on friday. not like some of you have who truly are struggling with lots of things.
dd is almost 19 and has been dating her first boyfriend for 8 months now.
she has gone from an independent, assertive girl to one who is willing to give up everything that was once important to stay around here and be near her boyfriend.
he is a nice enough guy but 21 so has already done many things that she hasn't done yet.
she was born in GA, we moved here 10 years ago and she has wanted to go back since we moved here (chicago). decided she wanted to go there for college.
then did so poorly her senior year that she wasn't able to go. she's going to community college now and wants to transfer but now she wants to transfer locally.
she's a huge disney geek too. i can say that because i am too! she tried out to be a character and was asked to work in disneyworld. she didn't go. it nearly broke my heart.
her excuses are that she would miss all her friends. of course none of her friends are currently here, they've all gone away to college. boyfriend has another year or so but lives at home.
she has seen very little of any of her friends here over the holiday break. one of her friends stopped by and we talked and she said she hadn't seen dd the entire two weeks she's been home. that the real reason she didn't go to disney was because of boyfriend. which we all knew but she would never admit to any of us. she already knew i was disappointed.
when dd got home, i sort of let her have it about spending all her time with boyfriend when her friends are home for such a short time. after all this is why she's staying here.
of course she denied all this. but then she started to cry a little and said she's tried to see her friends and they are all doing family stuff which she understands but otherwise they're hanging out with each other and not including her.
there's the guilt. i automatically assumed she was spending all her time with boyfriend instead of friends. now it could still be the case as she has been known to lie. but also know that she has been excluded so many times in her life, as many of us can relate to.
now we aren't sure if any of them has really made the effort enough including dd. but if she's really being left out it's so heartbreaking because that part of her life has gotten a little better over the years especially with this group of kids.
sorry this is so long, guess it just upset me so much that this is either a continuing problem or she's lying to me again. neither thing is good.
i'm trying very hard to let go of some of this because i can't make her do anything or fix any of it. it's all a part of the learning process and i really do understand it. but still breaks my heart when she gets hurt or gives up on what she used to want and makes excuses to us and herself to stay close to boyfriend.
well thanks for listening and sorry this is such a book but know you guys will understand more than anyone else.
karen
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Post by AnneM on Dec 29, 2003 5:23:25 GMT -5
{{{Karen}}} ... This is tough and I understand completely why you are finding this difficult to understand. I don't think I can be much help but I do remember when I was the same age as your daughter and I had my "first real boyfriend" and I would literally have done ANYTHING for that person .... I would have done ANYTHING for us not to be parted .... I also was guilty at that time of not seeing my other friends because all i wanted to do was spend time with my boyfriend. Looking back I can see how foolish this was and how insecure I was! I was completely convinced that if I wasn't with him 24/7 then he would run off and find someone else! Easy in hindsight to look back at that time with open eyes but very "real" when you are trapped there! I really sympathise with your daughter going through this stage and I also sympathise with you witnessing it ....
My GUESS would be that assuming your daughter is totally besotted with this boyfriend then the real truth is that she has 'let the other friends slip' .... She will definitely, definitely NOT want you to know this and wouldn't even like to admit it to herself... the easiest way to "not lose face" is to 'blame' the friends .... This is not necessarily "downright lieing" - because your daughter very possibly wants to "believe this" herself... BUT I understand what you are saying about being excluded before which does make it more difficult to analyse ... but the fact that one of her friends popped around does indicate that that is at least one friend who isn't 'excluding' her ....
I think this is a hugely painful part of growing up and certainly something I went through ... (Much as I cringe now when I think back and realise how I allowed that first boyfriend to completely direct my life at that time) although it certainly wasn't HIS fault .... it was MINE ....
Oh GOOD LUCK Karen !!!! ....I do feel for you a lot on this situation and your daughter....
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Post by kstquilter on Dec 29, 2003 22:23:51 GMT -5
thanks anne,
i really appreciate your candor. i guess i don't remember spending so much time with my first boyfriend. didn't even spend as much time with dh while we were dating! but we were older when we met as well and had our own lives and homes before we met. but you're probably right.
she would never admit any of this to me because she knows what i'd say.
i'm trying hard to let it all go because i do know there is nothing i can do except be there. but watching your kids do such stupid things knowing they'll be hurt eventually is hard as we all know.
thanks for your reply. felt better last night just writing it all down knowing the people here would understand.
thanks
karen
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Post by sierra on Dec 29, 2003 22:58:51 GMT -5
I read this yesterday and just didn't know how to reply although I wanted to say something. My own late-teens and early 20s were no picnic but I didn't throw things over on account of boys. I was probably pretty scary to many of my friends and family because I was attracted to older men. 5-10 years older. The young men my age seemed so immature and shallow. Not into my interests at all. So I was going out with men nobody I knew approved of because of their age.
Lucky for me I guess I didn't make any irrevocable life decisions during that period. Your daughter may regret not being a Disney character when she got the chance. She probably will regret it. But in the overall scheme of life it's a small mistake.
I've been trying to fast forward what life with my sprouts will be at your daughter's age. Right now I'm determined to be out of their beeswax by then. No unsolicited advice which probably means no advice at all since I doubt they'll ask for much advice before they're 24 or 25. I'll write checks for college and room and board as long as they take college seriously but that's it. And no other strings besides taking college seriously.
I don't expect to disapprove of their lifestyle choices. But who knows? I may find purple toenails or glitter eyelashes or whatever the shock look on boys is in 5 years to be my hot button though I doubt it.
Easy for me to say now huh? I got 5 years before I have to make good on those intentions.
I don't think your daughter will listen to you. Not at her age. I don't think you really want to butt in either. It's a hard point in a parent's life. You still want to help her grow up but it's her life and her choices now.
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Post by RiahBubbaPooh on Dec 30, 2003 9:57:39 GMT -5
I remember 19 so well...I was planning my wedding! We met when I was 18, he was about to turn 21. And my life did revolve around him. I didn't exclude my friends, but I was on a fast-track for marriage. Even in high school, my dream was to get married, have a famiy and settle into suburbia. Thankfully, I met a man who wanted the same things!
I can understand the fear of my friends and family. How many 19 yo's do YOU know who are truly ready for marriage? I know I don't know many!
But the truth of the matter is this...the more they tried to disuade me, the harder I clung. My parents even tried to bribe me. "If you're not 21 when you get married we're not paying for anything." Know who lost out? They did. Because they refused to participate in any of the planning. They came to the wedding, but paid for absolutely nothing. They regret it and so do I. I wish they had been a part of it.
My only advice is to be gentle with your dd. Include her boyfriend in family stuff, draw them both in so you will have her ear, and she will trust you when these decisions come and she needs advice. Because of the way my parents acted, they were the last people I would have turned to.
HTH
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Post by kstquilter on Dec 31, 2003 0:06:02 GMT -5
thanks to all of you.
everyone is right. we do try to include boyfriend in most family things. he just doesn't talk to us much so we still don't feel like we know him very well, especially considering he's here almost every day.
i know for a fact that if i push her one way, she's sure to go the other! she's alot like her mother that way!!
i do try to not interfere alot but guess our kids tend to be more immature to start with so have tried to guide her more than the average kid. at least more than we do ds (non-adhd) her decision making ability isn't always great but the decisions are so much bigger as are the consequences.
so trying hard to let go of as much as i can. just hard to do.
thank all of you for your input.
karen
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Post by Honeysmom on Dec 31, 2003 15:24:24 GMT -5
Karen, I hear your point. I can't say that I see it b/c I have heard it for years!!!! I was engaged at 18. I dated the same boy all through HS. He was 4 yrs older that me and it drove my family nuts. I was bound and determined to get married, I was all set. Then on Valentines Day when I was 20 he announced that the wedding was off, he was engaged to someone else!!!! That hurt. What hurt even more was the "I told you so's" from my family. I was ready to get married at that age. In fact, I met DH 2 weeks later and married him 6 months later. I just was planning the future with the wrong man. I was married at 20, had Honey at 21, and never regretted any of it. Some young adults are really ready for that type of relationship. I agree with the person who said the more they argued the more it drove her to marriage. If this guy up and leaves her one day she will be hurt, but getting hurt is also part of growing up. As long as you support her you will be the first person she cries too.
As far as the friends go, they may not have called. Friends will only be told no or I'm busy so many times before they don't call anymore. The ball might be in her court on this one. Good Luck...
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Post by Veronika on Jan 10, 2004 12:15:12 GMT -5
Karen....I feel so bad for what you are going thorugh right now. But you have to know that things will get better. Your daughter is finding herself, let her. I know it's hard but she has to have to have this time for herself.
When I was 19, I was married, and at 20 had my son Johnathon. It's difficult to go through this stage with your dd, but please remember that she NEEDS this time. She needs to be self involved, have the world revolve around her. We all need that at one time in our lives. She will grow out of it, and thank you for standing by her. She will realize what is going on with her boyfriend. She's smart and will only let things go so far. You said she was independant....that will always be a part of her. I'm sure she will be fine.
I know you are doing everything you can, and I can see that you love her very much. I think you are doing a great job...and your daughter is very lucky to have you as her Mother.
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Post by kstquilter on Jan 10, 2004 22:47:29 GMT -5
Thanks veronica,
such kind words. i do know she has to find herself and i really do want that for her. i just worry she's getting so serious with this boyfriend. watching her change all her dreams for him is very hard for me. i'm trying to give her some space and always be there for her.
Thanks again veronica, you are very sweet.
karen
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