need an opinion and to vent..

[mothercat]

I had a discussion with my older sister today about her 17yr old daughter. She will be 18 in Feb and wants to get a job and move out when she graduates next year . What girl that age doesnt. Any way she is ADHD LD . She has always been in spec ed..the part of her brain that remembers words to learn them doesnt function and she reads at grade 1 level. Same with math. Other than that she is a normal cute teen who has her own circle of friends who are LD and not LD. She figure skates and can remember her programs easily. She has as much common sense as most kids that age but does need a little guidence. Who dont.

Okay here is the thing..my mom and I say she deserves to get a job and try to have a life...even if it is in a house with other handicapped individuals in assisted living accomadations. Or she needs to meet some really nice guy at church and get married. She works well with children and old people..she could work fast food, grocery store, or in a nursing home even. The ideas go on forever. She will never be an accountant or a programmer ...big deal. she still deserves a life.
The high school wants to train her to work in society and let her get a job half the day.
My sis says absolutley no way..she is too stupid and if she tries after she turns 18 they will go to court and have her declared incompetent. According to sis ..she will also stop her from ever marrying anyone the same way. She will not be allowed to move out of their house
that way. She says there is no way a judge will ever let her have her independance as she is too stupid. (low IQ in my book dont mean stupid)
In the meantime she has neglected for three years to medicate her daughter as she says she doesn't need it and doesn't want to take it. She says it is her daughters choice to take meds. When she isnt skating or at school or sleeping they are constantly dumping her on my mom..every day since she could walk.

Now sis wants her to live at home and keep ice skating till she is forty with no friends and no real life.
Now the thing that kills me...my sis lives on disability..her dh has a bad back(smokes enough pain killer to keep most normal people bankrupt)
, sis has 5 different psycho diags (that in my opinion are bunk) and is on disability and her daughter also gets a check. Sis doesnt know what they will do with out the daughters check(500.month) The state is
wanting to reevaluate her right now too.
I smell a rat.
I told her that hundreds of people out there with LD kids are striving to HELP their children gain independance and not a doctor on earth would back up such baloney as incompetence just because she is LD.
I am so discusted with her attitude...I might add that she and her dh dont even buy groceries..they raid my folks food pantry every day and expect my folks to support them while she condemns me because bobo
still has a job. (he needs his back fixed but will work until he cant walk rather than go on disability and it eats them up) So there is already a certain amount of not seeing eye to eye going on.

They have told their 18 yr old son that when he gets a job he needs to move on out. (he gets no state chk anymore...he was ADD with hearing deafness and cant find work because they wouldn't get him a state paid hearing aid back when
he qualified) They didnt raise my sis's oldest..they kicked him out when he was 7 to my folks house to live.

Is is okay to tar and feather people? OR are mom and I
right for feeling this way? I have to be at the folks every day for gramma and mom..it is getting hard to keep the mouth shut about things. Mom is upset and she is in such bad health that she doesnt need it. I dont have a LD daughter so maybe I am wrong??
any opinions would be welcome.

[Linda]

mothercat....I agree with you and the situation is so sad. Your niece deserves a life just like everyone else. As you say there are many things she can do,

Excuse me for saying this but where does your sister get off calling her own child stupid? All the more reason for your niece to get some training and move on.

I don't have any suggestions but it would be very hard for me to keep my mouth shut too.

[finnmom]

M/C I agree with you and Linda, the girl need´s to get out of there Can your sis really keep her at home like that, I think it might take a lot to declare her as incompetent when she obviously isint Or do you know what´s the policy in there, I would guess it take´s a bit more than just mom´s word´s, I hope so

I think that could be called as neglecting a child too, they need to let her leave home and start a life of her own. I hope the very best for her in future

[mothercat]

Linda...you wouldn't believe my sister...and to think she has a college degree in child development. I cant do much but vent.. I would say she needs a shrink but then the state has been paying for that for atleast two years and it doesnt help. Self centered , and the b word come to my mind.......I love her but then I cant stand her. its a good day when she stays home till I leave the folks... I dont see a court in this land letting her do it ....not anytime soon.

[camismom]

M/C...I agree completely with you and Linda. Besides, if she does try the court thing your niece will only have her mom and dad's word against yours, Bobo's, and her school teacher's and administrators if needed. I don't see it happening. I wish your niece luck ingetting away from this mental abuse and making a life for herself.

[milesofsmiles]

Put me on the list for being in agreement with you M/C. I don't know how that system works, but you have a young woman who wants to get trained to work, wants to support herself, knows that there is more to life than sitting at home and wasting away. I am going to talk to my aunt, who has a son with some serious LD's. He is in his 30's, lives at home and cannot function without help, but my aunt makes sure she does everything in her power to make sure he can experience as much as life has to offer him on his own. He works part time (full time and he would not qualify for insurance). She might know of some programs like having a mentor or live in program. I know a person who employees people with LD's that live on their own. Let me do some checking.

I can't stand to hear that a person is being held back from their wishes. If at first they don't succeed, then talk about plan B.

Talk to you later,

Miles

[mothercat]

;D ;D ;D

From what my mom told me last night my neice gave my sis and earful...told her that she really was paranoid and she needent think for one minute that she is going to hang around and put up with her when she gets old enough. (you know how verbal teenage girls can be when they get mad) My sis threatened to have her put in a home for yelling back at her and my niece said go ahead it would solve the problem. Lets see here..sis is threatening to have neice put in a home...because she doesnt want her to ever move out. hmmm ..maybe we could have sis put in a home ;D ;D ;D
Miles..
There is a nice assisted living place where some of her special olympic friends live....I think she plans on going there when she gets out of school after graduation...dont know but I will bet good money she gets further in life than her mother. ;D ;D ;D
I truely believe this child will make it...she is stubborn and has more common sense than alot of persay normal people. She will never be able to count money but she can do alot of other things and she is realizing it more every day. Regardless of her mother. ( one thing is ..it wont take much more for my parents to cut off the support to my sis..they are fed up with it and sis knows a good thing so she wont want to give up the bucks.)

[AnneM]

Oh M/C I think every single one of us are on the same wave length here .... your niece deserves a life of her own !! ... This is WRONG !! ... This girl is not a commodity ... she is not (or should not be) simply a form of "income" ... and she is certainly certainly NOT stupid and should never be called that!! In fact to the contrary it sounds to me like she has an extremely smart head on her shoulders and is beginning to fight back !! ... it is just sad that she HAS to fight back!!

Oh I wish her all the luck in the world !! ... and it certainly sounds like you and your Mom are looking at this in all the right ways ... Sadly though it doesn't sound like sis is!!

If your parents are supporting your sister and if they are in agreement that she just HAS to "let go" and allow her daughter some independence then sadly cutting off their support (or threatening it) might be the only way forward .... Hopefully this would pay off (to the advantage of your niece) in the longer run!!

Oh I do hope this gets sorted out the right way for her... !!

[mothercat]

I think between my folks and I ...the neice will be okay...she has good common sense and even if she cant read...she will be okay. AS for sis...dad says she will never be on her own..something jsut dont work right in her head (too many of those drugs she always brags about doing when she was young). Bobo can always tell when I have had a run in with her..it stresses me out badly. I gave up on feeling sorry for her along time ago. I have to worry about the effects she has on mom's health too.

[Linda]

said:

I think between my folks and I ...the neice will be okay...she has good common sense and even if she cant read...she will be okay. AS for sis...dad says she will never be on her own..something jsut dont work right in her head (too many of those drugs she always brags about doing when she was young). Bobo can always tell when I have had a run in with her..it stresses me out badly. I gave up on feeling sorry for her along time ago. I have to worry about the effects she has on mom's health too.

Don't give up on your niece....she needs you to advocate for her. Personally I think she will thrive once she is out of the home. You get called stupid all your life....sooner or later you are going to believe it

[Amsmom]

m/c, there are programs out there to help people like your niece. it does vary from state to state, so i am not sure what is available in il. however, please try calling your local state social service agency and ask for the developmental disabilities division. most states have programs that will provide a care coordinator or "life coach" to help your niece achieve maximum independence (semi-independent living, job training and placement) i believe that your niece will succeed at her maximum potential, despite her mom!!!! please keep us posted!!!

[mothercat]

My neice has to see a state psychologist next week..they are evaluating her( i hope she does great)... sis was complaining that if she doesnt requalify for aid they will lose their house... I told her that they wouldn't lose it ...someone would just have to get off their arse and get a job.
;D ;D ;D then she complained about her pay down on medicaid 60. a month ...and I let her have it...they get as much as we do ...I am riding a bike 12 miles a day and she is still driving (at my folks expense). Stop running , stop partying, get jobs, and get a life...she is gonna make me crazy some day. I hope her daughter gets out on her own and ignores them all.

[Linda]

KEEP US UPDATED

[Kaiti]

Mothercat, how's it going? I for some reason hadn't come by this before.

But as I was reading about your neice, I thought about my landlord's daughter. She is responsible enough to have a driver's license, but from what I have gathered her mentality will be but to a 16 yr old. She is also very stubborn and set in her ways

Everything is set by the clock, if something goes wrong, we all no about it. I had let her use the phone to call teh bus company that was 5 minutes late. She is a sweet heart though. And responsible too, she just needs that extra guidence.

Do you have an ARC-Association for Retarted Citizens in your area. Sh egoes to that and is a "client". They usually make things or organize things for companies and are sold to get a bit of a profit for the ARC.

It is great. It has taken so many from institutions and helped them to get self-esteem that they truly deserved. We have the Day in the Sun for Specxial Olympics here. I used to be a Hugger....but sinc eht eparade has their flower sale on the same day, I can't any more.

Any how. I just wanted to let you know that you have my support through and through

[mothercat]

;D ;D ;D
She and her LD boyfirend much to everyones dismay...are saying that they are engaged to be married when they turn 20. Of course I know the silliness of all this as boyfriends at her age dont last
long but atleast she is keeping her mother ripping.
Her mother is having a cat as she believes it. ;D ;D

I havent heard anymore about the not being allowed to leave home since I told her that one of them would just have to get off their arses and get a job. Life aint free forever. My parents are still supporting her financially and she is the one who ran off and said she was her own boss at 18. Go figure.