Lying about having firends

[Honeysmom]

Until recently I thought Honey was playing with others at school. He told me all their names. I asked if they were his friends and he said yes, but never could tell me what games they played.

After a talk with the teacher I found out that he is not adjusting as well as they would like at school. He has no friends and is actually anti-social. All of the kids he talks about he is too afraid to speak to.

I am wondering if this is just a phase or if he is afraid to tell me he does not have any friends, or if he even realizes he doesn't. He is only 4, but as I put before he is so shy he looks like he is in pain. Is it possible that he says he has friends for my benefit or because he really does want them?

It breaks my heart to think of my child as the one who is scared of the other kids. I don't know how to fix this and honestly don't think I can. He has gone too long isolating himself from other kids.

[rosyred45]

Oh Honey, I'm sorry. I don't know what to really tell you about him telling you.....

But, maybe because they aren't picking on him he considers them his friends. I just heard a couple of the teachers refer to all of the class as a whole "My friends.... " so maybe he picked it up from a teacher that ma say that. It isn't said to make someone feel bad, obviously, but to get the children to realize that they all need to be friends.

At SACC I have always told the kids that we are all friends at SACC. We help each other when we need it. We are nice and polite to each other. You know, that kind of thing.
Maybe he's saying it because he remembers that it what he was "taught", not in a bad way.
I guess since I work with alot of kids, Mikey and Tara both haven't had a hard time making friends. Does he play with others, other than those at school?

Let me know, I'll try to help
Kaiti

[Linda]

Poor little guy...he sounds like such a little sweetie. Have you arranged any playdates for him?

Remember he is only 4 and will outgrow so much of this. I wish I could be more help to you,just know I am thinking of you.

[rosyred45]

Just thinking about it. Not that it was that long ago, but MY kids have NEVER been shy. I don't know why.hehe

Playdates is a good idea, like Linda suggested. It would give the little guy someone special to play with AND it could help build his skills for communication.

I had Tara at the dr's today for an earache. For not being shy, she would NOT let go of my hand. She told me she wasn't scared of the drs or anything, she just didn't know what was going to happen.

I get like that too, sorta scared at new beginnings, not sure if I can handle it, but it all does work out. Does he have anxiety issues. I know it might sound young for that, but I have seen alot of kids that do. Most of those kids just need a reassurance that everything will be ok.

Kaiti

[AnneM]

Honeysmom - as Linda says he WILL outgrow this ... oh bless him... This isn't QUITE the same but is along the same lines .... When my son was about your son's age (he is an only child by the way) he used to tell everyone who would listen that he had an older brother called Chester (Chester was the name of our cat at the time!!) and he would make up great games and things that he and "Chester" did together... He would be very convincing about this and people often said to me "I thought Sam was an only child - I didn't realise he had a brother!" ....

The reason I am telling you this is because I think this was based completely on "wishful thinking" .... and I wonder whether this is the same for your son ... whether he has singled out a few kids who he maybe "thinks are cool" and "wishes" they were his friends ... and I think at that age it can make them feel much closer to their "goal" if they make it up ...

[Honeysmom]

Thanks for the reassurance. I have had other children over, but he refuses to play with them and asks me to take them home.

Maybe he is telling me this for a variety of reasons. Maybe he really does think he has friends, that would be better than him feeling completely isolated. I also think he may be saying it b/c everyone (aunts, uncles, grandmas, etc) asks who is friends are. Maybe he figures he is supposed to give some names.

I wish I knew what was going through that head sometimes!

[swgiles]

My ds is in kindergarten this year and wants desperately to be liked. We were in the process of disagnosing his ADHD in October when we had the first teacher conference and his teacher said she didn't care if he learned a thing this year so long as he got the social side of school down. She felt that was much more important. My ds drives kids away because he clings to kids and they get sick of him and since he didn't have the ability to pay attention during learning time he wanted all the kids around him to act out like he was. The teacher tells the kids that if someone is keeping them from learning to move to where they can learn because they are in charge of their learning so the other kids are moving away from him.

When we started him on meds in December I told his teacher and she said that she was afraid the social damage had already been done. She said the kids had already labeled him as difficult and confrontational and whatever else and it would take them some time to come around. She did say a couple weeks ago that it seems to be getting better so hopefully he'll be able to repair those relationships. My psychiatrist suggests bribery! He said bringing in cupcakes never hurt a kid's social standing!

I don't know what to recommend except maybe if he could make one friend, then that would lead to other connections. Could the teacher pair him up on a project with another child who may have a compatible temperament?

I know how sad it seems, hopefully you can find something that works!

Shannon

[Honeysmom]

Shannon, I love the cupcake idea!! Everyone loves a snack. I never thought of anything like that.

Honey's problem is that he is so socially akward he doesn't even realize that he doesn't have friends. Actually, he doesn't realize it or he doesn't care. Both are possible. He has a very differnt personality from most kids.

His emotions are very scheduled. For about the last week I though he was starting to show true emotions, and it really made me happy, but then I realized he is figuring out how to put the right face and words with the situation. All of his new emotions were straight off of Finding Nemo, Bob the Builder, and Bear in the Big Blue House. He is starting to realize that people act and look a certain way when they feel a certain way so he copies it, word for word, right off of the movie. I gotta give the kid credit for his memory skills! Him and another little boy are switching buddies for speech and language therapy and the new boy is supposed to be very aggressive so the teachers are hoping they rub off on each other. I hope so (I bet the other mom does too

Don't worry too much about your son. He is still really little and I would be very suprised if the other kids came back to school next year remembering that. He will have new kids in his class and a fresh start. As long as he is improving that is the main thing...Good Luck...Becky

[rosyred45]

Becky, I think that the rubbing off thing will work, in fact, we had a little boy that is also very awkward socially.

Wanna good laugh. Yesterday he came out of his shell!! He's been in another class to help him out with some learning difficulites and social anxiety. It worked!!!!!! I saw him smile and mean it yesterday. In fact, I had to keep turning around and telling him to stop chasing all of the girls, as we were in a confined space. He wasn't being malicious or bothering them, they all just wanted to play tag. And my daughter started it . I'd say little pain in the butt, but that is exactly what he needs, someone to give him that little extra push and say "LET'S GO"

Shannon, don't worry about your son getting a rep in Kindergarten. Mikey had on last year given to him by, Oh shocker, the teacher. She told me the same things, kids are starting to distance themselves, blah, blah, blah. She even had the nerve to tell me that I was "being prayed for".
Well, thank you very much Mother Teresa. Just because your kid sits there like a bump on a log, and mine is the frog that didn't sit still.
I had a mom that was one of the chatty cats of moms tell me that for Mikey not to sit still last year(duh, called boredom), after she finally got his attention, he read to her, finished his work for her, AND she told me her daughter loved to sit next to him during lunch because he was so nice to everyone. She then went on to say he was one of the sweetest kids because he would run up to every mom, give them a hug, and "usher" them to where their child was.

Turned out longer than I thought, but Shannon and Becky, please don't let worry inturrupt the positives and let things work out the way they do, remember, just mold a little here and there, and the kids will be all the better

Kaiti

[swgiles]

Thanks Kaiti,

On the good side, my son says that there are 2 different girls that want to marry him and more than once I've picked him up from school only to have to wait while a little girl let him know that tomorrow they were going to "kiss". He may be a troublemaker, but he's apparently also a ladykiller!

I know it will work out...thank goodness for 5yo short-term memory!

Shannon

[Honeysmom]

That is cute about the kissing. Last week Honey told me that Lauren was his girlfriend. So when we discussed friendships I said, well he tells me that Kali is his girlfriend so at least he has her. The teachers just rolled their eyes and said, Kali is everyones girlfriend! Apartently there was a kissing issue on the playground and she tried to get all the boys!!

[mskris]

HOneysMom:

I've read that toddlers often say what they "want" to be true - and really believe it. So maybe Honey's naming his friends means he'd like to have them as his friends and believes they are.

I've read a lot of your other postings and it does seem that Honey has some social issues, but he's still very young, so they may resolve with time and patience.

I know how sad it is to think your kid has no friends...we went through this last year when we moved. Poor T was so popular both at school and in the neighborhood in our previous house - we moved and he was bullied ostracized, and miserable. BUT - once school let out for the summer, he made progress at daycamp and this year is soooooo much better. He just had to find his "niche" and we had to ensure the bullies were kept from him (one moved away and one is in a different class, at our insistence). So, things do change. I find that T is now close friends with a boy who is 2 yrs younger, which is okay by me...

We've had two children over from his class and they seemed to do well, too. Some of it is maturity and learning the social cues. If Honey is picking things up from the tv he watches, I'd consider that good! He's learning to mimic social cues and that will stand him in good stead in the long run, even if they seem artificial to you now.

Kris

[Honeysmom]

Kris, thanks for the reassurance. Yesterday some of the pieces started comming together. I asked who he played with at school. He said no one. I asked why. He said I don't have any friends. I said why. He said b/c they do not listen to me. Ah Haa! (this was a VERY coherant day for him, he made a lot of sense)

To me this means one of a few things. Either they cannot understand him talking or he uses this odd jibberish only he understands. It is not real words, it is more noises and exictement. Or he is trying to boss them around they won't cooperate. Both are highly possible. I mean, they are also only 4, so I am sure when he acts strange they are not sure how to take it so they walk away.

At least it gives me a little insite. Hopefully this was not one of his stories he made up.

I agree that they say what they want to happen. In fact, I have a little girl who insists she flies to the sky and pokes the coulds everyday!

[aimee30]

I wish I had some advice but unfortunately I find myself in a similar situation. My DD is no where near being shy. She does have trouble making and keeping friends though. She tells me all the time that she has friends, even their names. When I talk to the teacher she says just the opposite. DD has a very hard time playing on the playground with others.

I'm curious if it is because she is ADHD. I know that with ADHD you can have trouble with friends. I worry constantly about it.

Thankfully there is one neighborhood girl that I allow her to play with. We had problems at first but once I talked to the mother about DD everything is much better.

I just wish I had some advice for you. The LCSW (licensed clinical social worker) at the psychiatrists office is going to work with DD on social skills. Maybe there is some hope there. Check into that. Maybe if someone worked with him on his social skills . Just a suggestion. Let us know if you do find something that helps.

[swgiles]

Honeysmom,

I have gotten the same thing with my ds regarding the "not listening to me" thing. He's a head shorter than the rest of the kids but this doesn't stop him from trying to run the show and getting very frustrated when they have other ideas. And he uses the "his own language" thing as well and tells the other kids they're Russian words because he's adopted from Russia.

And regarding the comment about pre-schoolers believing things and making them a reality...that is so true. My son has screamed at me in tears that something did or didn't happen when I was standing right there and know the truth. His psychologist says it is very common at this age to internalize something so much that it becomes true no matter what you try to tell them. I must say this is an aspect of his behavior that drives my dh CRAZY! He'll actually try and argue him out of it...it's like having two 5 year olds sometimes!


Shannon