destructive behavior help please

[littleyoyo]

Hi,

I am fairly new to this board. I'm at my wits ends with my 3 older boys. I have a total of 4 boys the 3 that are destructive are 7 1/2 yr , 6 yr 4 yr. 6 yr has not been diagnose with anything. But the other 2 have adhd. the 4 yr is probably add as well. They are tearing our house down. I mean it is scary. They have tore up a wooden driveway, tore down a lilac bush even destroyed my flower beds I just want to know what to do other than pull my hair out . My hubby has adhd as well.

Thanks
Littleyoyo

[catatonic]

Welcome littleyoyo.

It sounds like life isn't easy for you right now! You're in the right place. All of us have "challenging" kids and can really understand what it means to deal with these kinds of things every single day of our lives.

I have a question for you. Are your boys destructive because they are angry, or is tearing things up just something they do for fun? My 4 little darlings tend to be hard on things as well...not out of meanness, just because they have rocks in their heads! They're having fun when they dig a 6-foot wide, 4-foot deep hole in the garden to play army. It doesn't occur to them that this gigantic hole they've created is a PROBLEM.

I handle that kind of thing very differently than I do willful destruction like getting mad and slamming a door and breaking off all the molding around the door frame.

In general, what works for me is the rule...If you break it, you fix it. That includes paying for the materials. Of course, my boys are older than yours (they range from 11 to 16, with a 4-year-old daughter at the tail end of the string) and so they have the skills and the cash to make that kind of consequence work. But even little kids can handle helping with repairs. It's not a perfect solution, but it does sometimes get them to slow down and consider whether they're going to have to slave away for mean old mom undoing whatever destruction they've created.

The other thing that helps is to supervise them more closely. I know this isn't easy when you've got dinner on the stove, the little one on the tub, half the clothes washed, and you're scurrying around to pick up the house in your "spare time". You're just grateful they haven't bothered you in a while! The last thing you have time for is to go hunt them down in the yard to find out what they're doing, and like as not redirect them into some activity less likely to result in the house burning down. But if my boys know I'm watching them, they're less likely to drag out a chain saw to modify the swingset, or decide that they wouldn't get so hot if they had their water fight INSIDE the garage, or play golf with the green tomatoes still on the bushes.

Boys are really physical. Buy them some sports equipment they can enjoy independently. Bashing tennis balls at each other is a favorite with my sons. I'm grateful every single summer day that we have a pool (which I can see from my kitchen and living room windows!) to give them an outlet for all their energy. They particularly enjoy taking turns diving in while the others chuck tennis balls at them. I've given up expecting them to organize a nice civilized game of croquet. They'd rather smash the balls at each other's ankles. But as long as they keep in mind they have to take a drop if the ball goes in the garden (rather than flattening the chile peppers to blast it free) then I consider I've won half the battle.

ADHD or not, your husband can probably be recruited to go out and play. My husband is good at this. Not so hot at helping with the dishes or monitoring homework, but he likes to goof off, so I send him out to play with the boys. Yeah, they're still smashing croquet balls at each other's ankles, but at least I know with him out there they won't get bored and decide to see if they can throw all the mallets up on the roof.

I really can sympathize with your frustration. Sometimes I just want to give up, hide in the closet and howl until those nice men in white coats come to take me away to someplace nice and quiet with NO CHILDREN.

[Linda]

Hi and welcome...catatonic has really covered it...thanks cat The supervision part is really important...and if they wreck it they fix it!!!

[tridlette]

Gee... catatonic... try not to scare the new members!

I laugh because my gang is quite similar, except for the garden. I don't have one!!!

When my guys were younger like yours, yoyo, I found silly things for them to do that kept them happy and busy. Like getting them big mops and a bucket. I had them "paint" my house and driveway with water. By the time they got half way done, the water dried and they had to go back and put another coat of "paint" on the house!

I enjoyed them washing my cars two or three times every day. Or, you can occupy them like Kaiti did with her Mikey the other evening... send them into the yard with scizzors to CUT THE GRASS! Just give them dull scizzors with blunt tips!

One thing that kept Patrick content for the longest time was to get him a few 2X4's and a box of nails, and let him hammer away to his hearts content in a confined space... no nail or hammer outside the police ribbons!

Today, I am giving him a bucket of REAL paint and a bunch of old doors to take outside and paint. They won't look any worse than the current avacodo green paint that is on them!!!

Another fun but odd thing to occupy them... give them some of the large art paper and a few cups of chocolate pudding. Let them FINGER PAINT. Then if you are really adventurous, let them put their "art" WAY out back and let them feed the ants with it! Clean up is fun and tasty. You can have them hose each other off in the back yard. Just keep the dry towels out of the line of fire! This works great for this time of the year, but eventually school intervenes...

During the worst of the winter, they boys spend HOURS building "snow forts" preparing and plotting for the "Big Neighborhood Snowball Fight" that never actually happens! A few rules though, not near the road, nothing that can collapse on a head... we let them line the fort with rubbermaid trash cans. The use the lids for shelves to hold the snowballs.

Don't get me wrong... my house is trashed in and out all the time, and my kids are just as likely to break a window or an arm... but they do cause a little less real damage!

Another fun sport for them... hang empty 2 liter soda bottles from trees in the yard, and have water gun target practice! See who can get a bottle spinning on the branch. We assigned different point values to different brands of soda... red tops are worth 3, green tops are worth 3, white are worth 1. Then we decide that they get 1 minute for every point they earned... that is time outside after dinner, or minutes staying up passed bedtime... or minutes for extra reading in bed...

Good luck... 3 boys that close in age are always a thrill a minute... been there... still doing it!

Laurie

[Linda]

Those are good ideas trid....I used to give Paul shaving cream for his bath when he was little...he loved to just "smear" it around the tub and himself. He also had a "play" shaving kit that occupied him. I can still see him in the bathroom with Grandpa and they were both shaving!! ;D ;D ;D

[kstquilter]

wow! do i have it easy!!!! first, welcome yoyo! i have a boy and girl and the girl is adhd so i don't have the same sort of problems you do. but this is a great place for ideas, encouragement, listening and venting.
the other ladies have covered everything and more that i could have said other than to ask if they are on medication. if not, you may want to think about it.
i have found over the years that something like a pool or activity where they can get rid of some of the energy is a huge help.
we visit dh's family and stay in a hotel with a pool. there isn't much for the kids to do so when they get too antsy, they can swim it off! that goes for my non-adhd son as well. kids in general have lots of energy to use up.
good luck and hope you enjoy being part of this family.
karen

[finnmom]

Good ideas Cat and Trid

I´d also say :MONITOR THEM! I know you´re doing it already, but try to get them realize that you´re the mom that see´s and hear´s everything and never get´s to sleep When they know that you will keep an eye on them, they will(most propably) think again... or then not, but it´s worth of an effort

My ds has been the wildest one, mom opinion!!! but he has out grown it a bit already, being 10 at the time, I have 2 smaller girl´s and I think that has something to do with the calming down; it´s not so much fun to tear it down all by yourself when sister´s are playing something fun.

Trampoline, game´s, pool, bike´s... all those good old game´s we use to play and run as much as we could until the bedtime.... I expecially liked Trid´s idea´s about letting them paint with chocolade pudding, I would have wanted to see that

I would not give them siccor´s, not even for the grass thou.... I know mine did cut 2 curtain´s and a comforter... and his sister´s hair once....

[camismom]

I want to go to Trid's house and play! LOL

[mothercat]

Instead of tearing down your yard..have you tried letting them build their own garden and help create their own yard....they are the perfect age for it. They like growing things and seeing results at that age. Do they have a sand box...or construction site box where they can dig all they want? If not it might do to create them one.
As for inside the house..the rule should be you break it ..you either fix it or help someone old enough fix it.
Liolac bushes are very prolific...it will come back in say two or three years.. When my kids were that age I just kept in mind that things like plants , furniture , and wood are replaceable ...the little darlings arent' ;D

Good luck.

[amcfanny]

Welcome. Four boys - that's scary! I've got two and mom's pretty flowers are off limits - period. For outdoors, they do have a sandpit they can do anything they want in. Dig, make mud, throw stuff whatever etc. Inside, playdough is my 8 year olds destructive outlet. Give him a big blob a playdough and a kitchen knife - not a sharp one. He mashes and bashes it and stabs it and throws it etc. I fuss and yell about the mess but it's better than holes in the wall or something.

[StrugglingAgain]

I can certainly relate to the house being torn down in front of you...OR behind your back. You can't be in every place at the same time, though.

My son has been tearing up the house ever since he could crawl....he's nine now. Just this week I found a huge rip in the upholstery of my new sofa. Oh yea, and the huge dent on the hood of my car, and then there's the five black-marks-through-the-new-paint job in the upstairs room. He also throws things at the walls just to see if he can chip the paint off. Yesterday he slammed the microwave door so hard he broke the latch. It cost $50 to get it repaired. When he was three he took a bottle opener and made ELEVEN deep scratches on the leather sofa. The list goes on and I truly think he doesn't even care. He can't pay for the dent in my car or the rips and tears in the sofas. I see no end....don't know how to discipline this kind of behavior either. I pray he outgrows it...and soon.

[Kaiti]

S/A,
Have you had him help you fix hte things that he breaks? I know it takes a lot of patience for normal stuff let alone the not so norm,.

Like the paint chips, you coul dgive him a small cup with the paint in it and CLOSELY supervise, or if you think he'll just throw the cup, hold the cup for himwhile he paints the marks he made.

I make Mikey and Tara wash their walls if I find any marks......and we presently have permanant marker that won't come off......the paint has been with the remover we're using

With that kind of behavior, I don't think he'll outgrow it. I don't want to scare you, I'm sure your thinking yeah thanks.

Persistance is the key. When he does something, or you find something, ask him why he did it. If he doesn't have the money to pay for it.....write down how much it costs to fix. Then next time he asks for something, tell him he could have gotten it, but that money went to repairs.

I do that with my kids, and it floors them at first, BUT I haven't had near the problems that I used to .

[amcfanny]

littleyoyo said:

Hi,

I'm at my wits ends with my 3 older boys.

I see I forgot that yesterday.