I feel like the stepmom from hell!!

[stpmom]

I am a new member. After what feels like a terrible week, and it's only wed, I finaly got on-line for help. I am the soon to be step mom of an 8 yr old with adhd. His behavior is nothing new, since I've been with him since he was three, but lately I can't seem to deal with it like I used to.
I am recently retired due to injuries sustain on the job and have been watching him everyday. Our other son, who is 4, idiolizes the 8 yr old and is starting to take on his charactoristics (trying to act like him). It is becoming increasingly stressful for me. It seems that when the youngest, who does not have adhd, gets introuble he shows remorse, that he is sorry, that he understands why he's being punished. But the oldest JUST DOESN"T CARE! It doesn't matter what punishment I dish out, he just doesn't get it. He is constantly fitting, arguing and pouting. If I say the sky is blue he says it's purple!
I feel as if I'm ALWAYS yelling at him. Sometimes I stop and just talk normal even though I'm so mad I can't see straight, but he doesn't care.
Even though we have him most of the time, he still stays with his mother 3-4 nights here and there. One of our major problems is that she doesn't have any rules at her house, he rules there. Then he comes to our house and is expected to tow the line. That makes for a rough first day or two when he returns to us.
Nothing in particular made me seek this sight out today, I'm just at my witts end. I don't want to be the bad guy all the time, but I don't like the way that our relationship is going. I try to do nice things for him, when he is having a good day, but he doesn't appreciate anything. It's like he has no conciense. And it makes me want to scream! I told his father that I needed a break, that he needed to go to the sitter for a few days. Of corse that didn't go over well, and once again, I look like the bad guy.
I don't know what to do. He is on medication and I would like to think that it is helping, but really don't know.
I come from a very loving family and am not used to this at all.
Any help or advice would be a wonderful thing.
Thank you.

[catseye]

HEY! Get out of my life!! LOL Kidding

Welcome from another long time stepmom (6 years for me and since she was 1 1/2 years old)...

My son is 3 and yes he is picking up certain very undesirable traits from my sd(8 and adhd, among other problems)...

I swear if I told my sd to breathe, she would stop breathing just to defy me sometimes!! ARGH!

I so know where you are... Oh and I yell entirely too much also...

Can you give some specific ideas on what the arguments are about? I mean is it chores? homework? Or impulsive behaviors like hitting, biteing etc?

It took us nearly 3 years to finally get the right combination of medication for my sd... How long have you traveled down the medication road?

Sorry to bomb you with so many questions! But I think I could help if I know a bit more! Welcome again!

[rosyred45]

Welcome Home stpmom.

You came to a great family here. I can't speak from a step-mom perspective, but my son, Mikey is almost 7 and ADHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHD ;D He's just like me, so I can't complain too much about him...

You'll find a wealth of information here. Above this on the main page is a links page, you may be able to find things there beneficial.

Below is my lifeline personally. If you have any questions, please ask them. I think I have covered all of the stupid questions to ask in my trek around here, so there's no more stupid questions to ask, just those that you want answers to.

I work with an after school program so I know what you mean about rules and settling and back and forth stuff between parents. It is hard, I can't deny that, but we'll try to help you as much as you need it.

Again, Welcome
Kaiti

[MomX2]

You may want to read more about Oppositional Defiant Disorder which commonly co-occurs with ADHD. The Explosive Child and The Defiant Child are two books that may offer some insight. Parents dealing with kids like this generally do need more support and do need a break from the child. These kids can break just about anyone down with their intense resistance.

[finnmom]

Hello Stpmom and wellcome on board

First; I´am so sorry you´ve had such a bad week already But that sound´s familiar, sometime´s I wonder if I´ve done nothing but yelled everyday I think we all feel like mom from h##l time to time, you cant avoid that feeling with any kid, not to mention adhd-kid. But you know what; it´s normal to feel like that, there come´s time´s when you just cant take anything more.

Cat and Kaiti already covered lot of question´s but I´am gonna ask you some more: Has there been some major change what would explain this change of attitude? Would bio-mom have something to do with this ? Is this bouncing back and forth(you and mom) going to continue, or is he going to move to you permanently, could that stress him ? Has there been any med-change´s, if not, should you try to change them ?You see, we have lot of question´s Sorry.

I know it´s really hard when younger one´s imitate the older´s behaviour, it´s so hard to explain why he does that, why you or him shouldn´t.... It´s also really hard to stay at home with kid´s, I appresiate everyone who can do that.

You´re not a stepmom from h##l, you´re a good mom, loosing it sometime´s doesnt change that

I hope you feel better already! Please, feel free to vent in here, we all know what you´re saying.

Marja

[Dad2Brooke]

Welcome home, stpmom!

Let it all out here. We all know how you feel. It is so incredibly unrewarding sometimes parenting a child with ADHD. There are moments that are great, but usually it is just a grind.

You feel like nothing you do is appreciated and the child takes everything for granted. I can only hope that one day I will get a sincere thank you from my daughter for all I do and will continue to do despite the lack thereof.

These kids need all of our strength and patience and guidance. But when you have given all you can, you must absolutely get away to recharge. Can hubby watch him while you have a night out with the girlfriends? Or you just have some quiet time at the library to read or whatever is necessary to regain your sanity.

Also , I believe catseye mentioned the meds. If what he is on doesn't seem to be working, it may be time to either try a new dose, a new med or some natural alternatives.

The important thing here is that he needs help, but you have to be sane in order to do it. You need "me" time as well. If childcare or a sitter one day a week will help that then do it. Not to cause any problems or cast an dispersions, but I would think that your husband would understand that.

[jdmom]

Welcome stpmom!

I am an ex-stepmother, who has managed to maintain a friendship with my stepson and his mother (the friendship with mom occurred after the divorce, not during the marriage, LOL). Through her, I still manage to see my stepson, which I think is improtant to both him and my son (and me!). I helped to raise the boy from the time he was 2 until he was 8. He is now 11.

It is not easy being a step-mom to a child with ADHD. You have him half the time, but still your input into his progress/diagnoses can often have little value to the others involved. It's frustrating.

Just wanted to let you know that you have found a place full of people who understand, so rant away. Welcome, and I hope to see you around some more.

The suggestions that were offered in the above posts could have come straight out of my mouth. I would definitley check into the ODD. Run a search on it and do a little research and see what you think. If you feel it applies, print it off for your hubby and see what he thinks. Also, it takes a long time to find the right med. We are on our 3rd one, and I'm still not sure if it's the one, though it has definitlely been the best so far. You just gotta keep trying until you get it right. Good luck!

[Amsmom]

Stpmom,
Welcome to the forums, we are so glad you are here!
Don't beat yourself up, we all know how you feel and you have every right to feel this way! I'm not a stepmom, but my son is 8 and drives me up one wall and down the other. He never seems to get/have enough, argues with me almost constantly and has a really fresh mouth. I feel like I am always yelling too. I wish I had advice for you, but all I can say is come back and vent, vent, vent. We are here for you. The members of this forum are so supportive and we all feel like family.

[aimee30]

Somehow I missed this post. Must have been the day I was posting away in the humor section. I am not a stepmother, but my two oldest kids have both a stepdad and will have a new stepmom this Saturday. I do feel like I am in a similar situation though.

I have been trying to get my DD (from my X) dx since Oct. He is totally against a dx let alone meds. He only sees her every other weekend and when she comes home it is total chaos for several days. I am learning to cope in my own way, thanks to this board. It has become my lifeline. Don't know what I would do without it.

I, too, am a SAHM and dealing with kids full time can be very stressful. Especially when one (or more) is ADHD. The one thing I can say is it's never a dull moment.

As everyone else has said, Welcome. You have found a wonderful site with great people!