Ferocious Fighting in this relationship!

[dt57]

I appreciate the response I got in the Medication section about my Girlfriend (who is on Dexedrine)-& so I thought I might just share some relationship issues I seem to be running into A Lot with her..& of course-any advice is Highly Appreciated!!
Well as I was saying on the Dexedrine thread-she originally-about a year ago started with 3 daily..about 3 months ago went down to 2-and she went down to 1 about a week 1/2 ago..Thats cool..I'm soo proud of her for that. Gosh it's just right now-I feel like theres a Thousand things she does/says that I either don't understand or just downright get irritated at. She seems to blurt things out (usually when we're arguing) that either make no sense whatsoever or are extremely rude. Of course within the next few minutes or maybe it's the next day-she profusely tells me how she doesnt mean it-and doesnt know why she says the things she says. One thing I've never understood is that she always wants me to just walk up and hug her while we're fighting. She tells me that is the biggest healer-otherwise-she needs to leave the room for 10-15 mins. (then when she comes back-everything is ok..now that's if I actually stay after she's tried to kick me out..) You know-I admit-I am far from perfect-I can be hard headed-and say things I don't mean-But when she throws the weaning off the dexedrine in my face like-"You make me want to just go back to 2 pills tomorrow" or "I'm being like this (upset-etc..) because when I'm on 2 I'm calmer.." So when we argue-it's hopeless. I feel like I'm running in circles trying to explain things to her and she never seems to understand. She just continually spits out irrationable comments-and at the same time-twists everything I say and makes them into her own new sentences..Like last night she kept making things up that she "could've sworn" I said. I know I'm just kinda ranting here-but I'm just getting So frustrated with these rollercoaster battles. We have the greatest times together yet when anything gets out of hand-she completely loses it. One thing that has always been a small annoyance is the innumerable twisted/angry faces she always seems to make. We've talked about that-and she claims she never had any issues with them before the dexedrine. She knows about them-but then when I mention them (per her request)-she just says "That's who I am!"-And this is what she fanatically tells me about the ADHD. If there is any glitch with us-it's because she-herself-has ADHD and so she gives me the whole- "You better just accept me for who I am-because that's me." Personally-I am so tired of the ADHD excuse and feeling like I'm dealing with a psych patient because of it. EVERYTHING resorts back to the ADHD issue-and I am not appreciating what seems to be the self centered-lack of concern for the other person-(me) as it always seems to be about her and ADHD and dexedrine-and this and that!! Folks-once again-I understand this is not too eloquent and is truly a bunch of raving-but I've read a few other threads about those trying to work through the same things-and they seem to feel the same frustrations. What to do...what to do.. Something keeps drawing me back to her.

[Linda]

What draws you back to her is that you Love her She really sounds like she is still impulsive and that is why some of the things that come out her mouth are hurtful.

As far as arguing it takes 2.If she leaves the room then you need to also.

I am not so sure though that she is using her ADHD as an excuse though. Maybe she really means it by saying this is who I am...except me as I am....that is all any of us want...just to be accepted for who we are.

I am probably not much help here...just my feelings.

[tridlette]

I haven't read your post on the med page. so if I say something that doesn't completely fit, well, forgive me.

I know that when I am upset, angry, frustrated, I rant... always have... with or without meds. And I say some pretty stupid things. I think of myself as a pretty sensible person, almost 40 yr old. But, get me into a fight with my husband, and I say things I REALLY don't mean. It just seems like life is so out of control at that minute, I have to make my own version of a reality that makes sense to me AT THAT MOMENT. I know it isn't real, but IF it only could be, then everything else would be justified.

I know that it doesn't make sense to you, but it is just the way it is. And if you offer that hug, don't be surprised if she refuses it... that is just another part of the "I need to find some control right now" feeling that takes over in a heated moment. Don't try to make sense of it.

Like Linda says, you love her. Just get used to the feeling, and be prepared for a rollercoaster life! It is a blast! But... as you already figured out... there are ALOT of ups and downs!

[dt57]

Thank you so much for the responses. I do accept what you both are saying..I find it hard to say I love her right now because flat out-I just really don't feel that..Maybe that's what it is though. Well we're still kinda at odds-I'm not sure how long this is gonna last. Thank you so much you guys.

[mothercat]

Keep something in mind..there is no such thing as a "perfect" relationship. If any one says they dont have "words" with their significant other then they are either saints or just lying. Everyone says things they dont mean and when you love someone there are always times that you wander why you love them or how you ever fell for the them. Maybe counseling would be a good choice and with the adhd it sounds like a dr "re-eval" wouldn't hurt. Adhd is only an excuse to a point but the impulse response to use it as an excuse could mean the adhd isn't under control. Thats a hard call that only an re-eval can take care of.
We cant judge each other all we can do is try to understand our mates..but there are times when mine feels the need to 'explain' things and all I really want to do is give him a rap in the knee. (I know the golden rule tho so I dont )

[Kaiti]

Sorry to be chimming in a bit late.

When push comes to shove and you both come to a point that you are on totally separate pages, take a break from arguing. Step back and calm down. I know easier said then done, but when I feel like my life iss spiraling out of control, I reevaluate.

What are you really arguing about? Are you arguing just to argue, knowing that it is the same mute point all the time? Are you arguing because that is how you two do things.

My husband and I rarely argue. We know that we put up with each other. And at the end of the day, no one else would put up with us, so we were made for each other. BUT I love him more than anything, besides my kids and, opps, yeah, just the kids.

Along those lines.....if you are traveling some where and you get lost in the same spot, you finally realize what way to go, and stop getting lost. In a relationship, just like with a friend, if you know there is a sore spot that you can't seem to agree on, don't go there.

No matter what you decide, know that everyone has touched you for a reason. Maybe you are there to help her realize her potentional. Maybe she is there to help you realize yours.

Good luck
Kaiti