Maybe I ought to just keep my mouth shut...

[skylarkragtop]

Hello all.

I'm thinking of taking a modified vow of silence. Here's the guidelines:

I'm not talking to anyone unless they talk to me first.
I'm not using more than a few words at once; most often I'll be asked a question, and I will answer with the fewest words possible to provide an answer.
I'm not going to offer my opinion.
I'm not going to complain.
I'm not going to tell people I just met anything about me.
I'm not going to chime in to anyone else's conversation.
I'm not going to put my foot in my mouth.

I will probably add more. Why am I doing this?

Because I have no friends. Even my neighbor thinks I am a nasty guy. Apparently she did not appreciate me telling her and her husband during a BBQ they were having, that the lighter fluid fumes permeated my whole house and were quite unpleasant. I think what I said was "maybe you guys should get a gas grill". I even found a Weber grill that uses coal but a gas burner to light it... very easy. They didnt want to hear about it. But anyway...

People I meet ask me questions, and for some reason, I feel compelled to actually give lengthy answers. Because, when you see me at the park with my boy and ask me if my son is the only one, of course I cant say yes. I have to tell you about his brother in heaven, or else I'm doing my eldest son an injustice. He would be five this october. Or, if you ask me what I do for a living, I have to tell you all about how I lost my job, became a stay-at-home-dad, and am now in my second year as a nursing student. But people want one word answers, all I have to say is "two boys" or "I'm a student". But if you show interest in me, I'm going to let you have more information than you bargained for.

I rub people the wrong way. I am thinkinig that if I become a man of few words, maybe I'll have better luck at making and keeping friends. Perhaps keeping the information I provide to a minimum will make people interested in knowing more about me over time, rather than hearing it all in the first five minutes. I met a dad at the park the other day who was really into talking to me. We even exchanged numbers, but I have not called to get together with him, because I'm afraid that he'll get tired of me and run the other way.

There are a few people I'm in occassional contact with that seem to have put me on their "contact as infrequently as possible" list. See, I'd started to say to myself that they must just be really busy, but then one of them that I thought was the busiest actually emailed me back one day to say he and 5 other guys were planning to do something and did I want to go, and he'd get back to me with the details. He never did. He had time to respond to others emails and make plans, just not mine. So, another I've rubbed the wrong way.

I dont want to need friends. But I do. I need to talk to people. I need emotional intimacy. I need more than my spouse to talk to.. and she's tired of hearing it, and just plain tired. I need someone to shoot the breeze with, run ideas past, or ask opinions of. I dont have that, outside of my marriage, but I need it. My wife and I are very tight, but a person needs friends too, do they not?

So rather than get burned, rather than walk away feeling like "there's another one I've run off", I'm thinking of taking a new, quieter approach. Be the strong, silent type? I don't think it's going to work. ADD makes me talk. ADD makes me talk before I think. ADD makes me talk longer than I ought to. Or does it. Maybe it's personality. Maybe it's upbringing (my parents and sister are the exact same way). I wonder if I'll ever undo this. I wonder if I ought to call that dad I met and at least tell him it was nice to meet him the other day. He probably thinks I'm a snob already. But I figured if he was interested in being a friend of mine, he'd call me. But, then again, nobody calls me.

This is going to take more thought.

SR

[Linda]

Hi sky and welcome back Hey you have a whole bunch of friends here. Talk all you want.

How is that little guy of yours doing?

[Kaiti]

:-XSR, hey, when did you take over me and make me a guy

As I was reading, I thought, YUP, do that, YUP do that, YUP.......and I came to the conclusion that I don't give a rat's putut what anyone else thinks. :DOf course I care a little, but the more I think about stuff like that the more depressed I get, so I try not to think about it.

Started to think like you this weekend. Everyone was going to picnics and everything.....were we invited? Nope, so we had our own out to the club. Anyone else show up? YUP. the more the merrier.

We made our own party. Had a cookout, with a divoced guy with no other family close by, a widower who goes out there because he's retired and has nothing else to do......another guy getting away from his kids for a bit. A few other fine tuning their bows.

As far as being a conversationalist, you could be the crabby guy that nods when someone asks HOW ARE YOU. But that's not you. It's not me....it's not alot of us.

If someone asks me a question, they better be ready to pull up a chair cause it'll be a while, I can make short stories long too you know ;D

And as far as that guy you met at the park, maybe he's thinking the same thing as you, I'd say go for it and call him.

And as Linda said, you have friends here talk all you want, you see that Linda and I aren't the shy type

[Linda]

I see myself in some of the things you are saying!!!! I am just not telling ;D ;D ;D

[camismom]

Hi Skylark! I'm not one to frequent the adult section, but I'm willing to bet you have plenty of friends here! Though I am not ADD myself, I am (believe it or not) a VERY shy person until I truly get to know you. That's why I feel comfortable here... some of the folks here though I have never met in person I do feel I truly know...as for others, well, it is much easier "talking" on computers than in person. lol Anyway, use this place like I do. Use it to "shoot the breeze with, run ideas past, or ask opinions of" just like I do. There is always someone here willing to talk, willing to listen, give opinions, etc. Like you I have few close friends..really other than my good friend that is also a coworker, and my dh, my friends are those I have met here. Try not to let others get you down...they just don't understand but your friends here do. In the meantime, bite the bullet and call that other dad. Chances are he feels the same way you do. Like I always tell my dd, "you'll never know until you try."

By the way, though (like I said) I'm not frequently in the adult section, I am almost always on line during the day. Drop me a line whenever you feel the need to talk, vent, whatever!

[milesofsmiles]

Hey there SR, been a while, how is school? Gotten through Anatomy and Physiology yet? or Biochem? Keep in mind I am an engineer, but my wife is a nurse and I became one while she was going thru school. As Linda said, chat away all you want here.

As you have describe above, you could be the strong silent type. That is me. And believe me, you don't make many friends like that either. There is a happy medium in there somewhere. A friend is someone who listens, so you have lots of friends here.

Need to shoot the breeze with a "guy", let'er rip. You and I can form our own club. ;D

Miles

[skylarkragtop]

Hello everyone, and thanks for the responses. I know that I'll always have the board, and everyone here, but I dont always have time to gather my thoughts and post something. I feel lonely a lot of the time because it's just my boy and me most of the time, and then when my wife gets home, I'm off to study. I've got classmates that I talk with right before and between classes, and maybe a little after, but being that they are all women, they're not really into talking to me.

My wife's not into them talking to me either. Same goes with the moms at the park.

I called the dad I'd met. No answer at home, left a voicemail on the cell.

As far as where I'm at with school, I'm a 2nd year nursing student now with all the pre- and co-requisites out of the way. All I've got left is 30 weeks, two semesters, and I graduate in May '06.

My boy is now 3 and a half, and he's a really good kid, most of the time. He's got some issues with listening and minding what I say. Repetition gets tiresome, but I just keep at it and hope it gets through. I will not be surprised if he is dx'd with ADD as well. But right now, his caregivers at school think he's just like all the others his age. We'll see.

I met some people (moms and grandmas) at the park today after school, and I tried to implement my short answer strategy. I'd say I did it about 85% of the time. But I'm not looking to forge friendships with moms and grandmas at this point. Again, the wife minds.

In my previous post, I said I have no friends. That was a mis-statement. I have one friend who is very busy a lot of the time, but when we do get together we're on the same wavelength. He was a SAHD when I met him, but has gone back to working nights. He's also gone back to school with the goal of becoming a teacher. And in addition to his soon to be 5 year old son, he's got new 5 month old twin boys. So we are in contact very infrequently. I miss being more involved with him. He sorta gets me. He too has a similar upbringing, as well as a learning disability. Some day maybe we'll get together more often.

So what I really meant was that I very rarely get to share my goings on with anyone that takes interest, at least not in person. I miss that. And I dont go very far out of my way to turn acquaintances into friends either, because I know I'll just run them off eventually too.

This is nothing new from me. I've said all this stuff before. Wrote posts and articles about it. But the situation remains the same. I know I'm not alone in this world, in that there are others who are like me. But they're not in my real life, just my virutal life.

Gotta go... wife's home with pizza.
SR

[Kaiti]

Well, SR, in my virtual life, I am drop dead gorgeous with a marilyn monroe figure

And then reality hits. I'm really just little ole me. SJ country raised and getting me outta this town is harder than going up hill in an ice storm.

I too get a bit down because all teh people around me seem to be bustling, while I sit on my front porch and wave as they go by. So I try to turn the tables for a bit.

Do I really want to be the 7-3:30 type business woman that needs to hurry and pick the kids up from the after school program only to whisk them away to eat fast food before football/cheerleading/wresting/baseball......

Nah, not that there is anything wrong with that life style, but it isn't me. :oYeah, I know a shock isn't it ;D

Since you called the dad, now it is up to him. Give him a few days and try again......just say something about not sure if you had dialed the right number ......blah blah blah.

Oh and enjoy the pizza, we had to have ham samiches

[camismom]

kaiti said:

Do I really want to be the 7-3:30 type business woman that needs to hurry and pick the kids up from the after school program only to whisk them away to eat fast food before football/cheerleading/wresting/baseball......

Hey, get outta my life! ;D ;D ;D ;D It is actually 7:15 to 4:15 though and we don't do fast food, at least not from resteraunts. We have home cooked meals before whisking off to swim practice or afterwards...we just have the meals that we can cook the fastest! ;D ;D

SR, you say your son is 3 1/2 and you are a SAHD? Is he still napping? If so and I am right about you being a SAHD (which I think is just the coolest thing by the way) then get online while he's napping and do your talking then. Chances are you can shoot off an email to that friend of yours and he can reply when HE has that rare spare moment. I stay in touch with old friends that way. Friends that have moved out of state. It's not immediate gratification mind you, but it is some type communication with another adult that you can get feedback from later as well as understanding . Just a thought.... And hey, you should take up Miles on his offer! Since we lost Barry he has become the lone male that catches it from all us women! He needs backing sometimes! ;D ;D ;D

Take care!

[skylarkragtop]

Yes, I'm a SAHD, and nursing student.
With the new schedule this semester, my boy will probably not be napping much anymore. Monday's we're off. Tuesdays the day ends at 2:40, so we're home after 3 PM, Wednesday ends at noon, and Thursday and Friday end at 2. So, there's no consistency from day to day really, and having him nap only every other day probably wont go over very well with him. So it looks like between school and the boy, time for ME is going to be even harder to come by.

Tonight though, I felt like I had to take a walk, so I walked over to a local eatery that has "car night" on Wednesdays, and found a few hot rods to look at. I left my '72 Buick Skylark convertible at home and saved the gas.

SR

[finnmom]

Sky, it´s so nice to see you!!!

I kind a know what you mean, not being ADD, but woking 8 hour´s a day, having 3 kid´s and a home to run... I just have no time for friend´s, I have 1 good one(although I think she has slippered away a bit) I have my coworker´s wich are really great ladies and a one I´am working on getting friend´s with but it doesnt seem like she need´s any new friend´s.. so

I´am sure you´ll find friend´s by being yourself, mayby you can play the "silent" act for first and then when you know them better you can be yourself, but it´s not good friend-relationship if you need to keep yourself down in order to keep friend´s I hope that dad cal´s you back and even if it´s not the same, but we are hear for you...

[Kaiti]

Oh boy, that doesn't really sound like a good time for napping, for your little guy. Kids are resilient though.

"Just a thought.... And hey, you should take up Miles on his offer! Since we lost Barry he has become the lone male that catches it from all us women! He needs backing sometimes! ;D ;D ;D ;D"

Kristy is right, I think We need a little more testosteron earound here to keep some of the more wild childs.....in line. We will not mention names, as it is not nice to finger point ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D