Chris's Funeral today

[AnneM]

It has been such a sad day here ... especially for Sam ... Chris was cremated just 3 hours ago this afternoon ...

I honestly don't think Sam realised how this would affect him .... (he has only ever attended one similar event before and that was his paternal Grandmother and she was 93 years old !! .. a whole different thing than an 18 year old!!)

I decided NOT go ... I knew Chris but I did not know his parents that well and I didn't feel I knew them well enough to be there ... Sam on the other hand went along as the "representative of our family" and also in his own right as a VERY close friend of Chris's.

When I picked him up he was very, very quiet. He did talk to me about it but he was just soooo much quieter than usual. He said that when the service was going on he felt this HUGE feeling inside "but I seem to have difficulties letting my emotions out" !... So I said "You mean you didn't cry?" and he said "Yes !! ... So many people were crying Mum and I had tears in my eyes and this HUGE feeling inside me ... but I didn't actually CRY!" ... so I assured him that this was QUITE OK ... and ALSO quite a natural reaction ... some people cry and find it very easy to express what they are feeling - and others keep it more bottled up inside ... which doesn't mean they are not FEELING it ... they are just not so able to "show" it!!

He also said that there were people there he hadn't seen for ages ... but "I hardly spoke to them! .... "but in a DIFFERENT situation I would have been really pleased to see them!" ... Again .. ALL I could say was "I know ... I know just what you mean!"

I then asked him about this HUGE feeling inside he referred to ... I said "Was it SADNESS and ANGER all in one?" and he said "YES!! ... and I AM soooooo angry ... WHY did this happen to Chris? Why couldn't it happen to those (*$%(*(*% terrorists? But Oh PLEASE not Chris!!" (This seemed to be getting the ANGER out a bit!) ... but he also seemed SURPRISED that anger was one of the things he was feeling!!

He also said that "some of the people there didn't even really KNOW Chris!! .. They had just come along with their mates as if it was some (£*$&%* social occasion ... and that REALLY p*****d me off !!" ...

Oh I don't know !! ... All I could do was agree with everything he said ...

I have a very, very sad and angry young man today!! In fact a totally " Different" one than I have EVER seen before !! ... probably because he has never been to the funeral of a "young VERY good friend 18 year old" before!! I think all the young people there today were affected ... At 17/18 they think they are invincible !! Death is just NOT something they think about often at all ... and in all honesty shouldn't HAVE to!!

It has had what I can only describe as a VERY "profound" effect on Sam today .... and I felt TOTALLY inadequate ... because ALL I could do was agree and sympathise!!

Sam and his friends will be ok .. they WILL "move on" from today ... but...

GOD BLESS CHRIS AND HIS FAMILY ..

[finnmom]

God bless Chris and his family and you and Sam and your family too Anne

This is going to be hard for Sam for some time I think, it´s so good to hear you can talk about it, that he can tell you about his feeling´s.That´s the most important step; to let it out somehow, all that sadness ,anger and grief..... It´ll get easier by time, but right now I´am happy that Sam has such a good mom

[camismom]

Anne, I am so sorry. I knew this would be a very tough day on Sam and on you. I have been to the funeral of an 18 year old before. I wouldn't call you inadequate because sympathizing and agreeing with him was what he needed you to do. You are being far from inadequate because you have made yourself available for him to talk to. He will in time get the crying out and the anger and he knows he is safe to do so in your presence. The anger is inevitable. Death of a young person with so much life to live is a senseless thing. It makes me angry too. When I lost my nephew I was very angry. I can remember sitting in the church at the funeral just raging with anger over some of the things the preacher said. "God wanted a new angel." "Well, my brother wanted to see his son grow up!" I wanted so badly to scream. Jesus Loves the Little Children was sang. I remember smirking at the song, refusing to sing it and thinking if he loves them why does he let them suffer and die? To this day I can't hear that song without crying. Kevin died 17 years ago. I was angry for months! years actually. The anger still comes up sometimes. Anytime I see on the news a parent that kills or abuses their child I think of Kevin. I think here there are these people in this world that just throw this gift away when there are people that would have cherished this gift forever and God chose to take their gift rather than spare the life of the abused one. If he needed a new angel the abused child would have been the better choice. Anyway, I am rambling but you see there where the anger can come from.

Sam will never get over this loss and will remember it forever. It will be a profound thing in his life for sure. He will go on, he will be ok, but he won't ever forget. He is a very lucky young man though to have such a loving mom.

I echo your sentiment.... God be with those that loved Chris . Though I may not agree with the timing... heaven received a very special new angel today.

[Linda]

Anne,I just feel so bad for Sam and I am so happy he has you for a mum to help and guide him

Bless that young mans family

[AnneM]

Oh you are sooooo great !! Just talking to you about things and your responses can make SOOO much difference!! THANKYOU!!

Oh Christy I was so sad to read about your nephew Kevin!! ... I too lost a nephew (Ryan) but he was only 3 months old at the time ... he died from cot death (or sudden infant death syndrome) ... something my family will simply NEVER forget !! ... and I will certainly never ever forget that LITTLE tiny coffin!! We often go to visit his grave... he is buried locally ... At the time of his death my sister lived away from our local area but they chose to have him buried here because this area was always "home" and they knew they would always come frequently to this area ... They also chose for a BURIAL rather than a cremation (cremation being MUCH more the norm in our family) because they wanted a grave to visit !! ..

My sister (his mother) on hearing about Chris last night sounded the most upset about it of anyone !! ... and I understand that !! ... Her son would have been about that age now (17/18) if he had lived through infancy!!

Oh isn't the world sometimes a B*tch ?! ...

[tridlette]

Anne... I wouldn't have been able to say anything differently to Sam than you did. I am at a loss for what to tell him. I would have just nodded and agreed also.

I lost my best and closest friend when she was 23 after a 9 yr battle. We knew from the day of diagnosis that she wouldn't survive... and yet we dared to get closer. She moved in with me and my DH just 5 months after our wedding, and stayed until the very end. She died at home and although we were all "prepared" and she had made all her own plans, it was still unbearable. I remember also, sitting in the church thinking "X is here, what a hypocrite!" and thoughts like that. But, because Missy knew how we would feel, she had written to us all from her heart and told us that we were allowed to feel whatever way we felt... anger, sadness, relief, glory... it didn't matter to her, as long as we remember to smile at her memory every now and then in the years to come.

And that is what I try to do. Her sister made a point of getting her to the photo studio before she started looking really ill, and after the funeral, she gave us posed photos... they both wanted the final memories to be cherished.

It was a huge relief to me, since I was with Missy at her last breath. I saw peace wash over her but yet to see that sparkle in her eyes in the picture is so much more comforting!

Hug Sam, give him space, tell him what he is feeling is the greatest growing pain of his life. Tears or laughter, both are fine, as long as he does it with love for Chris in his heart.

[milesofsmiles]

Anne,

I came across this post a couple time today and wanted to respond, but could not find the words. Much like Sam. I did not want to talk about the loss I felt, the anger I felt, the confusion, and the flood of emotions that accompanied my loss. My outlet was my diary. I would type and cry, yell at the screen, walk away, come back, be confused.... After letting it out in writing, I could eventually let others know how I felt because I had already been through it. You keep hearing that it will take time and all you have at the moment is time and it is not helping right now.

I cannot offer anything new. You are a wonderful Mom and Sam has already put so much trust in you.

Group hug!!
Miles

[SKay]

At times like this, I just don't know what to say. Things like this can certainly make a young person grow up fast. I know Sam will be able to smile and laugh again, but he will never be the same.

Anne, I know what you mean about the tiny coffin. My first day back to work after a vacation several months ago, I found out that a co-worker's baby had died. The graveside service was that day. So I went--in shock. It was so hard to look at that tiny casket. My co-worker friend was doing ok, but I lost it. I suppose it just brought up some of the grief from losing my twins.

[sportsmom]

Anne and Sam~~~

I don't know what to say that hasn't already been said....I hope you can find peace as time passes on. God Bless

[Amsmom]

oh annie and sam
this must have been so hard. annie, you said and did all the right stuff. i think it truly helped sam that you let him know that it was ok to feel angry. he has such a great mum.

[camismom]

OMG Anne!!!! Yet again I am at a loss for how much we have in common. Cot death, or SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome) is what Kevin died from too! He was 3 months old as well and had he lived would be almost 17 right now!! This is too eery! Kevin was born on September 7th and died on December 10th. He was the first born grandchild in my family and my first nephew. Though he only lived 3 short months I was instantly taken in by him at birth and showered him with gifts! I was constantly sending clothes and gifts. He was buried in an outfit I bought him. I never got to hold him and the first time I saw him was in his tiny coffin. Yes, that is a site I will NEVER forget. I have seen it twice actually. I have a cousin that lost his baby as well shortly after her birth. She was born with alot of birth defects. WOW! Both of us lost a 3 month old nephew from cot death. This is too much.

Give hugs to that boy of yours for me. He will need them in the weeks to come.

modified to say the 18 year old I was referring to whose funeral I attended was the son of a friend and former coworker. He died in a car accident a month after graduating high school.

[Kaiti]

How is Sam today Anne?
I just want to say ditto to everything else that was said.

When I was 16 I lost a friend, Karl, in a car accident. He was the first friend alot of us lost, and the first friends funeral we went to. It was so sweet the amount of people that showed for it........standing room only.

His mom was really appreciative of everyone showing up. And like Sam said about the social occasion, SHE said the same thing.....You guys know how spiritual I can get, and every now and then I talk to Karl and his pictures.

After his accident,there was a light put at the intersection :-*why couldn't they have done it before is all we asked......we were all angry.

To all of you that have lost your own, please accept my condolences as I don't know what else to say.

ANNE AND SAM
Rest in peace Chris

[camismom]

kaiti said:

To all of you that have lost your own, please accept my condolences as I don't know what else to say.

That is so sweet Kaiti... I wish the same to you.

[AnneM]

THANKYOU THANKYOU so much to everyone who posted on this thread !! ... These replies mean SOOO much !!

Christy I am so sad that you too had this happen in your family !! OMG it must have been ALMOST in the same year I think ... Ryan was born in July 1987 and died in October 1987 so he would in fact have been 18 now ...

As for Sam he has spoken A LOT about the funeral in the past couple of days ... and on Thursday straight after it he was completely and utterly stunned and overwhelmed I think by the whole thing and couldn't think of anything else!!

But he is now at work and "moving on" ... just like all the young people will do ... For Chris' parents however I feel this will be a much, much, much longer procedure!

THANKYOU SO MUCH EVERYONE !!

[finnmom]

Anne, I´am clad Sam has work to do, so he can concentrate to something entirely different for a while and then sorrow in his own speed. Some need to "soak" in the sorrow, talk about it, visit the cemetary, light candel´s etc... and some just need time for think it throuhg by themself´s, again; I´am so clad Sam has such a great family to support him. I can only imagine how lossing your child feel´s, Chris´s family, your sister, Christy´s nephew´s family....