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Post by StrugglingAgain on Aug 31, 2005 16:18:19 GMT -5
Each and every single day I walk to the elementary school to pick up my nine-year-old son after school. Each and every single day he yells and screams and runs and jumps all the way home....embarrassing me to death and being rude to all the other children and parents who are walking to and from school. As soon as we get home from school the screaming at me starts. I don't know how to stop it. I punish, I cry, I ignore, and soon, I may just run away...honest. I just don't know if I can do this one more day, week, month, year. Current dx is severe ADHD/ODD. Although he's being dx'd soon by the Children's Hospital, I'm still not sure I can make it till that appointment on October 4. Please, what do the others of you do to stop the screaming in your face and disobeying every single rule there is? Most people don't have the patience I have...others would beat him to death....it's all I can do to refrain. He makes my life miserable.....and I wanted him soooooo badly when we adopted him. I hate to hear myself say the things I say, but one person only has so much they can deal with and I've been doing this for almost TEN years.
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george3
Member
Neverland, My real home.
Posts: 46
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Post by george3 on Aug 31, 2005 16:50:22 GMT -5
I used to do a focus exercise at school with some of the kids. It worked almost all of the time. What happens is the things around dissappear and the noise and other things do to. The kids did what I said because I was the teacher, so you will have to have an incentive. You will have to start at home so the bribe will work without any extra stimuli.
Step one: Find a room that has no tv, radio or other stimuli to distract your child.
step two: Buy a ice cream bar that your child loves to eat.
step three: Sit your child in a chair by a table and tell them that if they can put all, all, all of their focus with no talking on that ice cream bar for two minutes they can eat the ice cream bar.
step four: They have to eat the ice cream bar quietly. If they have a question they have to raise their hand to get permission to ask the question. If they don't follow the rules the ice cream is to be put in the freezer for fifteen minutes and the process starts over.
step five: Make an ice cream focus award to use to look at for future use so the ice cream doesn't melt during the focus time.
step six: Do the process the next day and add thirty seconds to the time.
Keep doing the process adding time to the focus time. You might have to add prizes with the addition of time.
The focus object should be made with durable materials so you can take it with you.
After your child is more comfortable with the process, you can use it during times like walking home from school. It can be to focus on the object and where they are walking with the same rules of no talking, etc. The ice cream would be at home if they successfully follow the rules.
I have seen kids that sit in a chair in the fetal position due to the ADHD that relaxed into a normal sitting position when they put their focus on an object. The surroundings that were closing in on them dissappeared and became invisible when their focus was redirected.
Hope it helps,
George
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Post by tridlette on Aug 31, 2005 19:20:13 GMT -5
George, I like the process! S/A...  I am not sure what to say. Somebody on the forum once suggested that MAKING him repeat the rotten behavior 10X each EVERY single time it happens will give him an understanding of how hard it is to do it. For example, he slams a door. Make him open it and slam it again, 10 times. Now he gets mad and tears the sheets off his bed. Have him put them on and take them off 10 times. He spills a cup of water on the counter... wipe it up and pour it, wipe and pour, wipe and pour... They get their energy out repeating it, and realize (hopefully) how silly the behavior is. I once made Michael stand in the mirror and yell the F word at it 10 times at the top of his lungs just like he had done to me... after he was done he called me a B****, so again, top of his lungs 10 times... it really changed his language for a while. If he jumps on the sidewalk on the way home, have him stand there and do 10 jumping jacks. If he kicks a stone, have him go get, bring it back and keep kicking... He is ODD, see if he can figure out why it drives you so nuts! Or call me and we can run away together... You know where I live. Again, Laurie |
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Post by StrugglingAgain on Aug 31, 2005 21:01:01 GMT -5
George, I appreciate the plan of attack you gave me. My son wouldn't want anything badly enough to sit and focus like that. There's nothing that's that important to him. It seems no consequence for his actions deters him from doing it again.
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Post by Kaiti on Sept 1, 2005 8:23:06 GMT -5
S/A Sit back and relax while he is at school, don't worry about how he's going to be when you pick him up. I know, hard to do that when you know he's going to do something to burn you up. When we had kids at SACC that were or weren't dx'd odd, I was the only one that had the patience to see them through their fits. Sometimes it took 10 minutes, sometimes it took til their parents came. BUT one thing that I NEVER DID was back down off my stance. That is what your boy is wanting. Just being a power struggle for him is how he does things. I know, I have been through it, and my how my patience wore nearly through. BUT it is still there. And you will have it too in a few years. S/A, I'm sorry if I'm just going on, BUT don't back down is basically what I am getting at. If he knows he can wear you down, he's going to keep at it until you give in. If you stand firm and show no emotion, no matter what you feel inside, don't act like you care, that's a key point. |
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Post by StrugglingAgain on Sept 1, 2005 8:33:17 GMT -5
Too late. I lost it big time last night about 9:30 when I still couldn't get him in bed (of course, he still sleeps in my bedroom) and he and both dogs were under MY chair at my desk crawling around, barking at each other and squeaking a dog toy! Oh yes, I was SITTING in the chair! I'm not real sure he's ever seen me that angry....I was angry enough to not lay a hand on him for fear I wouldn't stop. HOW do people do this??? I admire those who can turn the other cheek a billion times.
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Post by milesofsmiles on Sept 1, 2005 9:00:43 GMT -5
S/A, I know what you are going through, sort of. Nate would act out like that in stressful situations to him, but it sound like your son is doing that all the time. Nate will get in a zone where the more you push him, the harder he would push back (anger, rebellion, etc.) I too have had moments of questioning what can be done because I felt like I had given everything I could. At the moment I am too lazy to look, but I think you are having him evaluated at present, Texas Childrens, right? You should be hearing back from them soon, right? In the mean time the only thing I can think of is that you need some backup so you can get away for a while, even if it is just for a walk around the block. Do you have someone that can step in pretty quick? I know I did not while my wife was away for the army and I was a wreck. But it did get me here. How do people do this?? I screamed, I walked away, I threw water at him, and unfortunately, I took comfort in food. I felt I deserved it with all of the abuse I was taking. Hence, I am a member of the the Dear Flabby posting. As Kaiti said relax during the day, expect the worst when you pick him up, and see if you can last just one more minute than you did the day before. I'm here for you, we could compare stories and how we handled it. I have a few tricks up my sleeve that you might find useful. Miles  |
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Post by StrugglingAgain on Sept 1, 2005 9:34:51 GMT -5
Oh Miles, you brought tears to my eyes. DH says he understands and he believes me, but unless you experience it, one doesn't KNOW. It's bad enough in front of people and DH, but when we're alone he gets right up in my face and I want to slap him all the way to New York, but I don't. Everyone seems to say, "Pick your battles"...they are ALL battles....from table manners, to homework, to dressing, to bathing, to watching television and NOT kicking it while he does!
Yes, he's being evaluated at Texas Children's Hospital, it just takes so long. He's had one appt. where he was tested (no results yet), and all we've come away with is that this is probably a result of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. (Boy what a lousy bio mom.) He's such a beautiful child and has a mouth like a trash can. Surely, surely all that we do will rub off some day. I guess I was hoping that after all we've done for nine years that it would be getting a tiny bit better. All we have to look forward to is adding hormones to the list!!!!! Arg!
My neighbor would step in if I had to have her. I really hate airing all our problems to them or anyone else, though. Unfortunately, most of our family all live out of state (and we have a very, very small family), but they have the gall to say to us, "You asked for it." because we adopted him at birth.
I DO thank the Heavens that all of you are here and I can blow off steam now and then!
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Post by AnneM on Sept 1, 2005 14:39:15 GMT -5
S/A First of all please never ever listen to any recriminations of "you asked for it .. you adopted him" .. you did that out of SHEER LOVE ... and are STILL doing it for the same reason ... No offence whatsoever against your family but that is something you honestly must NEVER listen to!! ... Added to that there has of course been a tentative 'other' diagnosis ... (on another thread) of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome ... S/A you are NOT NOT NOT responsible for this !! ... The causes of this diagnosis and its potential behaviour problem is in fact nothing to do with you... ... but sadly YOU are the one picking up the pieces afterwards!!  I think you are amazing! ... I so much mean that ... and this little boy that you love so much NEEDS you .... The easiest thing to do would be to turn your back on him ... send him somewhere else .... shelve the whole problem ... but you HAVEN'T DONE THAT ... I really, really feel (from reading your other post) that you ARE getting FINALLY "to the bottom" of what makes your ds tick ... I know that October might right now sound like ages away but in the bigger picture it isn't long ... From what you said so far I think you and ds are finally, finally in the RIGHT hands ... You CAN make it through until then ...I promise you can... its really NOT so long ... and those answers ARE beginning to come through .... |
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Post by Linda on Sept 1, 2005 14:44:06 GMT -5
Spot on Anne.....you said it very well. S/A Please do not give up.....the little guy needs you |
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Post by camismom on Sept 1, 2005 15:13:41 GMT -5
I agree with Anne...you have come this far, so you can go one more month until that appointment and afterwards, hopefully, you willFINALLY know the whole picture and get some help.
In the meantime, lean on that friend you mentioned and get out sometimes...wlak away and take a bbreak when you feel like knocking him to New York.... scream and stomp and punch a tree while you're walking to get it out, breathe, and then return to face him never backing down. You have done it for ten years, you can continue with a little help. We are always here as well.
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Post by StrugglingAgain on Sept 1, 2005 19:09:03 GMT -5
Hi, Everyone. Today was a little better. I took meds to be given to ds at school TWICE. Isn't it awful that there isn't a medication that works well enough on him that he doesn't have to do that? Besides that, I've been pretty numb today...wondering why all of us have to do this at all. I know ds needs me, and I need him, too. I just wish needing him wasn't so difficult. Having had two older children, I know what it's like to have a "normal" child and how much fun it is and being a parent wasn't so difficult. Oh, we had our times, don't think I don't remember that, but it was over in a matter of minutes. If either of them disrespected me, they paid the price! DS doesn't CARE if he pays the price. Maybe tomorrow will be better yet. Thanks to all of you for helping me hang on for one more day.......I pray Oct. comes soon and that we get a more definitive dx so we can get on with our lives. NO one should have to live like this day in and day out.
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george3
Member
Neverland, My real home.
Posts: 46
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Post by george3 on Sept 1, 2005 23:38:41 GMT -5
I'm sorry you guys are having such a rough time. I don't know what to tell you. I have ADHD too and the extreme energy and alot of the goofy things seem normal to me. It's just that I'm me and you guys are you. Many ADHD kids think I'm annoying when I am more that way than they are. I have to stop and settle down sometimes when they look at me like they think I'm crazy. It all just seems like good fun to me until I see them looking at me with a goofy look on their face. I live in a giant house with just me and my dog. The work I am doing on the house gets me totally exhausted sometimes. I just lay down on the carpet in a big section of the house and my dog comes up and sees if I want to play. I'm alway ready to chase him around on the carpet. He loves it and thinks I'm the most important person in the whole world. I have to admit it, I think it is fun to. I know this doesn't have anything to do with your situation, but it is just one perspective of the world. I'm just me, and I like how the world look to me. It's more fun. We aren't a reflection of each other. We are a reflection of ourselves.
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Post by Kaiti on Sept 2, 2005 7:13:59 GMT -5
???George just go tme thinking...........with all that may or may not be going on inside of me. I sit back and look at things from another perspective....... This morning I have been a grump b/c my husband didn't come home as soon as I WANTED  I knew he was working late and was going to stop off and talk to some friends, but he didn't do it to my liking  As I stop and think about it, he never said I'd be home at "x" time. So why am I fuming......because I didn't get my way......a way that he didn't know I wanted. Have you ever sat down and really talked about what your son wants? Not with doctors, but with him in a calm moment....I know, your thinking. HA< THERE IS NO CALM MOMENT. BUT when he is just doing something....the way you want him to, have you ever asked him what's on his mind? Have you ever asked him what he was thinking when he was in a rage? I've had a few times when I wanted things my way or the highway, just because I had my heart set on it. And I have had melt downs more than I care to admit, but I have to suck it up because I am an adult. Maybe if you ask him if he wants to be treated fairly, he will act a bit better. Sorta like giving him a little more rope but putting a choker collar on him....... |
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Post by catatonic on Sept 2, 2005 7:25:07 GMT -5
S/A, I have a friend who adopted a son at age 3 from a Russian orphanage. His challenges grew more apparent the older he got...fetal alcohol syndrome, ADHD, ODD, learning disabilities, growth hormones for his small size, the list goes on. They tried so hard with him for so long, but as he got older his violent outbursts began occuring at school as well as at home and he had to be removed from public school. Long story short, at age 12, they found a wonderful group home specializing in boys with issues just like his. Her husband transfered so that they could move to within a half hour drive of the home. Since the home was needed because he couldn't function in public school, the state is picking up a significant percentage of the cost and insurance the rest. I'm not saying you should consider this or that you'll ever need it, just that there are good residential treatment options. Even as a temporary measure it can give you the chance to rest and recover. Some problems really are too great for parents to deal wth on their own. My friend said that one of the best things about the home was that it gave her the opportunity to meet other parents going through what she was going through. She didn't feel so alone, didn't feel like they were judging her for being a bad parent when her son had one of his flip-outs, and didn't feel like she needed to take anti-depressants any more. You have a very, very difficult parenting job, and God bless you for your love and patience. Take a day off, do something with a friend instead, and let your mom-batteries recharge.
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