LOC + LOM = Disaster

[milesofsmiles]

LOC (lack of concentration) and LOM lack of motivation on my son's part has really been making my mornings a disaster. I guess I am just tired of the same routine every morning. Nothing changes. Every morning the result is the same, I am late for work. Like a few days ago, I told him that if he was not dressed by 7:30 I was just going to drop him off at the curb at school and let him get dressed there. As soon as I got done saying that, he asked me to read him a book. I asked him if he heard what I said, and he said no. So I repeated it and without missing a beat, he asked me another question. So I verrrry slowly told him one more time looking him in the eye. He then undersood. BUT, just sat there looking at his book.

So when 7:30 came, I put everything in the car, and he walked out to the car, like no big deal. I told him to get dressed in the car because when I got to school, I was going to dump whatever was left on the curb and he could get dressed in front of his friends. For the 10 minute drive to school I kept repeating what was going to happen and he made no effort to get dressed. So when we got to school I put all his clothes on the curb. THEN he got the message, uhh, I was supposed to get dressed.... Yes, snow is cold on bare feet, yes snow melts when you sit on it to put your socks and shoes on. He let the whole world know what a terrible Dad I was for making him get dressed outside.

Wonder what the parents thought of me dropping him off like that? The school knows that there would be days like this. They even offered to have the principle come and pick him up at home, and it would not be a pleasant ride to school. I have not thought of using that service, but I am getting tired of not being listened to, not being taken seriously. Time is meaningless to him. For every minute I am late for work, I take 5 minutes from him staying up. There is no motivation for him to get moving and start and finish things.

Well back to work, I might as well do something I know how to solve.

Miles

[rosyred45]

:-XMiles, I would have already been aking the principal up on the offer if I was you.

I do know what you mean about time not mattering, my two kids, running out the door with shoes and socks in hand learned that when Mommy says "the train is leaving the station" They better be at the door coats on and ready to move.

I wouldn't worry about other parents and their thoughts, do they live your life? Nope, they can take a leap if they have a problem. Or better yet, if they happen to say something to you or look at you without the mercy look, offer for them to keep your son for a week ;D

I don't really have any advice, except that at the school when the kids all seem to be in their own little worlds and we are supposed to be cleaning up or what have you, I just remind them that it is their play time that they are wasting.

God granted you more patience than he did me

[AnneM]

Miles .... What you did was RIGHT and not at all easy for you .... BUT when the message of what "will" happen has not been acted upon you just HAVE to see it through! Well done !!

Now the BIG question is will this help with your mornings in the future? HAS a lesson been learned here? OH I HOPE SO!! ...

[camismom]

I can so relate to your story. When Cami was in elementary school and I took her there every morning, she was the same way, and so was I. I would give her a couple more minutes here, a couple more there to finish what should have already been finished. Toward the end of her 5th grade year I realized I needed to change that pattern. So I sat her down and told her that in order for me to get to work on time, we HAD to be out the door by XX:XX time... no exceptions! So, if she wasn't ready, she would go not ready. After a few gos at it, she quickly learned that she needs to get dressed first and foremost when she gets up. Now that she rides a bus, we are on a strict time line. Busses do not wait. She gets dressed as soon as her feet hit the floor... IF when it's time to go she hasn't brushed her teeth, or finished her hair, or got on her belt, etc.... at least she is dressed. She can brush her hair on the bus, cover up her bad breath with a mint, and just get punished for not having on the belt. (Her school requires belts so if they don't have one on, they get points. There have been more than a few times that I have told her more than once you need a belt, and she was too busy goofing off and never got it. She then got points at school.)

Anyway, what I'm trying to say in my long drawn out reply is that sometimes the natural consequences are the best way for our kids to learn.

[milesofsmiles]

Kaiti,

Oh how I wish he would respond to me anouncing that the train was leaving. He is a smart cookie, and knows I cannot leave him at home by himself. I don't want that consequence to be that I have to go to jail or him being taken away by social services.

I did leave once. I announced I was leaving with or without him. Got in the car, started it, honked the horn, backed down the driveway, closed the garage door honked the horn again, drove around the corner, drove a half a block and parked. Waited for a minute, then drove back home and went in the front door. He looked up from what he was doing like "what took you so long to come back". That point was lost.

He is really grumpy this week because the school has directed all children not to watch any tv for a week. Oh the tears... . His jaw dropped when I told him that when I got a bad grade in school I was not allowed to watch TV for 3 1/2 years. After a year I had great grades made the honor roll, and made the request to be able to watch tv. My aunt said that I was doing so well that I did not need to watch it. So I did not get to watch tv until I entered college. I guess it was for the best.

Miles

[rosyred45]

Oh why do I see him having that look on his face. My daughter did ask me one time if I left them could someone take them away? I said "yes they can it's called endangering the welfare of a child."

So she asked me if I would really leave them. I told her if she wanted a new family she could take her time

She hasn't ran out the door with socks and shoes in hand since. But is is in the dynamic of each of the children.

Reverse psycology and diverting a question works great on my kids.

Can you just hold the TV thing over his head all the time, well, except when the school says he can't watch it.

Mikey and Tara are totaly unpunishable >:(If they stand in the corner, they twiddle their thumbs behind their backs......if they are told to sit indian style in the middle of the floor folding their hands, they twiddle their thumbs......they count dust bunnies, table cracks, fuzzieson their sleeve.

What ever for those two it has to be in the moment all the way around or forget it. I have even resorted to "forgetting" I told them they were punished, let them get on the computer, and then "remember" that they were on punishment and tell them to get off.

Then go into the schpel about what ever they were in trouble for.......most of the time it works, but not always.

If it makes you feel any better, just picture 2 kids running down the road with socks and shoes in hand yelling
MOMMY WAITTTTTTTTTTTT

They don't know that I wouldn't do it

[mothercat]

I have a friend who has a adhd/ aspurgers child that she couldn't make get ready on time...she finally started dressing him the night before and letting him sleep that way. I thought she was nuts but after a few times of fighting my kids off to school I alsmost woulda done the same thing. Seems like it would be uncomfortable to sleep that way...Jared wants nothing but undies on and wont wear pjs ...its usually Bud that screws around but now that he has to catch a bus he is Mr Punctuality and thinks he has to stand on the corner 15 minutes before the bus comes.

Why is it important for them to make the bus and not be late but it is okay for them to make us late to work?

[catseye]

Im sorry miles! I have an awfull memory, old timers kicking in a bit early I suppose! LOL

How old is your son? Can he read time? Is he just ADHD? Or is there a comorbid involved?

cat

[milesofsmiles]

Nathan is 8 and you have to stay on him every minute he is up. If you leave the room, there is no little voice of reason in his head to say, hey you should not take your socks off because you have to go to school. Nate is ADD and now becoming more HD. His has also been diagnosed ODD, is on medication for school attention. He does sleep in his clothes, he just seems like he is in a zone that is oblivious to time or the consequence of not being on time.

Oh yeah, he knows time just fine. He chooses to not be bound by it.

Miles

[catseye]

Thanks for answering miles! I hate my memory!

My sd is autistic, along with adhd, that was a bit why I was wondering if there was more going on then the add/adhd...

Anyway I made a copy of a clock, set to the time that we have to walk out the door to get the bus.... I taped it right underneath the house clock closest to the door... This isnt a miracle cure, but it has helped the horrible mornings some... I see nathan knows time, sd does not so maybe that is why it is helping her more?

I like your natural consequences, I use those alot on sd, and yeah you are right they dont sink in even then do they?

When my sd is in her world, she is growling, so I KNOW she isnt hearing me... The councellor suggested my taking her by the chin, and forcing her to look me in the eyes, as I spoke to sd... Then ask sd to repeat what I said...

Again with my sd being autistic, and your son being odd, I dont know how helpful I am being... BUT I SOOOOO KNOW WHERE YOU ARE!!

cat

[finnmom]

Miles

I feel for you. Your ds make´s mine sound like an angel, but he´s not, he just cant get ready if I´am not reminding him constantly I make mine to get dressed first and then to eat if there is time left. It has got a little better during the last year, but still this make´s me so angry and tired for all this. I live for those morning´s I dont have to drag him with me

I think you´re doing just the right thing keeping him on track and dropping him to school even not dressed. I might want to take that offer from your principal, thou, mayby once in a week to get a "free" morning

[milesofsmiles]

Sometimes I wonder if I am enabling him to be the way he is. It is hard to associate what is going through his mind. I know how I was when I was a kid and how I was always trying to please my parents. His mind just does not work that way and it is so frustrating not to relate to him.

When I heard about the principal thing, I thought it would be terrifying to have him show up on my doorstep. I still feel like I am 8 years old when I go to his office to talk to him. I am on my best manners, yes sir, yes Mr. M.... etc.

Miles

[mom2tj]

miles, I say Good for you If I had seen you or him dressing at school I would have lifted my hat to you that is a lesson that he will never forget and from what you discribe you kept your calm..... you deserve an award...


I definetly have a LOC+LOM oh yes..... I still help him get dressed when I am pressed for time ... usualy we get up early and I have the luxury of having ds come home for lunch on most days, if he is late he eats lunch at school wich he hates .... so he is rarely late.... and I am very lucky that we live 2 minutes from the school and he starts school at 9:00, we get up at 7:15 it gives us plenty of time....

I know we dont all have that much time! if I have to get out early I usualy have to stay in his room while he gets dressed or else.... on weekends when DH & I want to do something I know I better help ds or DH will blow a fuse he takes forever to eat and dress everything takes sooooo long.

[rosyred45]

:-XHey Miles, I just thought aboutthe respect factor that you have for the principal. I feel the same way, BUT one thing I have is a principal with an ADHD son. She has been more of a blessing so I can see her as a peer, you knwo, on my level.

Instead of looking at going to the principal's office from YOUR end of being scary, what would happen if you made it scary for him? I know that the respect kicks in and all that, BUT when you are both adults, you must both act like adults, right?

And with your son acting like he is, do you think maybe a little hot attention to things might be in order.

I have a broom ready to go for you if you need it. And I hate to say it, but I think you need it on your son. It isn't to sound ignorant, so if you feel appaled, let me know, but Miles, you are bending over backwards and don't need to be.

you know that he is bright, it is a matter of bringing it out. Just like you know that he CAN be ready, he just argues/ignores and that is what the problem is. I have been faced with all types of kids, from ADHD to Autistic, to undiagnosed and ODD/OCD. I understand that things can get tough, I really do.

I actually have a particular kid in mind that sounds like your son. And I miss him to death because he moved, but he was always sent to me because I got through to him, in his way, BUT getting my way in the end.

Oh Miles, I hope I haven't offended you or anyone else, but you are so giving and forgiving, I hate to see you pull your hair out like you are

[milesofsmiles]

no offense taken. I was just blowing off a little bit of steam. I deal with it as best I can day after day. After doing the same thing time after time you sometimes lose sight of the end goal. I realize that he can do what needs to be done. Sometimes in the rush of the moment, it is hard to see all of the options. I am not as together as all think. When the brain goes blank, you just end up doing whatever it takes to get something done. Thanks for the support.

Miles