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Post by oliviasmommy on Nov 9, 2004 10:04:07 GMT -5
I just don't know how to get through to my dh on this...here's the thing. I am having major problems focusing right now - some of you know that I just started Strattera about 3 weeks ago, and I am seeing some improvements but not like I hoped. I know it takes 6 weeks to build up, and I do think I will need a stronger dose when I go see the dr next week. My husband knows this too. That said, I feel like he expects me to be perfect overnight! His major issue is that he doesn't feel like I listen to him and pay attention to him - he's always competing with something to get my attention, be it the kids, the tv or the laundry. I try to explain to him that I cannot focus on more than one thing at a time - I have always been one to "tune out" everything around me - i think that has been a coping mechanism of mine since I was little. It's like I "hyperfocus" when I want to pay attention to something - I literally don't hear anything but what I am focusing on. So he gets mad and says the tv is more important than him. It's not that, but we all have our favorite programs that we love to watch and hate to miss. Mine right now is the OC. (Yeah, I'm an addict) So I wait all week long for it to be on for one hour, and he picks that time to try to talk to me. Can't you wait for the commercial? If I listen to you, I miss what is going on! Then I am lost and I might as well not have turned it on.
I think he feels that I am "blaming" my actions on the ADD. But I feel like I am finally understanding why I have been the way I have for my whole life. I am really trying to work on ways to control the "drifting" and I feel like things are getting a little better. I am definately getting better at recognizing when I am going off track, and trying to get back on track. And I don't want to feel like I am using ADD as an excuse for myself - I tried to tell him last night that I really CAN"T HELP IT and I just know he doesn't completely believe me. Now I know how our kids must feel! This stinks on ice - I finally feel like I have some answers and something to work with, and he doesn't believe it!
Has anyone else been there? What can I do to help hime realize that I do WANT to pay attention to him, I just feel like I am constantly being bombarded by other things that I can't shut out? Honestly, if cloning was legal, I could make 5 of me - one for dh and one each for the 3 kids, and one of course for me, and then everyone would be happy. It gets so bad I'm ready to start carrying a stick that I can hand to whoever is getting my attention - if you don't have the stick you can't talk to me. And if you try I will use the stick to beat you! hahaha.
Sorry this is so long - I just don't know what to do - we've been married 8 years, gone thru our share of problems and now I am scared that he isn't willing to wait for me to get my act together. Thanks for letting me vent!
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Post by rosyred45 on Nov 9, 2004 11:21:40 GMT -5
"It gets so bad I'm ready to start carrying a stick that I can hand to whoever is getting my attention - if you don't have the stick you can't talk to me. And if you try I will use the stick to beat you! hahaha."
Why do I like this idea so much :oActually I have a broom here that I wrote husband beater on, everyone laughs when they come over because I keep it on the front porch so you can't miss it coming in the door.
Anyhow. We have had the same arguement about the TV, except I was in your husband's position, trying to talk when the show was on. Yeah, I stormed off uddering "you like the TV more than you like me" BUT then I realized how many other times do I have to talk to him? Lots.....so I sucked it up adn NOW know that if I want to talk to him, either wait for commercials or when the show isn't on.
BTW when was the last time you two had any "we" time?
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Post by oliviasmommy on Nov 9, 2004 12:36:31 GMT -5
We have alot of "we time" - we don't go out alot for financial reasons but every night we spend together - the kids go to bed at 8 and the rest of the night is ours to just hang out with each other. I don't think that's the problem.
he just called me at work and said he "doesn't know how much longer he can do this" meaning dealing with me the way I am. He thinks that I tune him out and don't pay attention to him because of something he's doing, or that I don't want to be with him. I don't like the tv more than him, but sometimes I like the shows on the tv and I want to watch them. Why should that make him think that I don't love him?
If I had cancer, would he be on the phone with me telling me to stop having cancer? That sounds ridiculous, right? I wish he would ask me how he can help me, instead of basically telling me I'm full of sh** and what is really wrong with me is that I don't want to be around him.
I tried to explain to him that he is not the only one feeling the effects of this - the kids get ignored, my work suffers, the house suffers - it's not just him that I can't focus on - it's everything. It's so frustrating because he thinks I can change it if I want to. He only sees himself. Why can't he see how helpless I feel as I watch my precious marriage going down the tubes over something that I am trying my hardest to manage, yet can't seem to do it quick enough. I CAN"T change overnight - does he think I LIKE feeling this way? I am going to lose him, and there is nothing I can do about it. I feel like a total failure - I guess I am not trying hard enough.
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Post by oliviasmommy on Nov 9, 2004 12:46:38 GMT -5
And another thing....how do I REALLY know I have ADD? Maybe I am just a flake. Maybe this is really just my personality. Could I have "convinced" myself that this is the reason I am the way I am? Now I am starting to feel like all those people who think it's not even a real disorder. The only "proof" I have is Olivia. Is it definately genetic? Or could she have it and neither one of us do? UGHHHHH my head is so full with conflicting thoughts, emotions, etc....I wish I could just stay in bed every day all day and not deal with anything.
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Post by rosyred45 on Nov 9, 2004 12:52:41 GMT -5
(((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))
I do know that there are times that me and Mike just are not on the same page and we feel like we are talking to a wall.
Have you two sat down and talked about it? Not just oh I didn't get around to this or that, BUT sat down and talked about your marraige.#1 work is not the place to tell someone something like that and I'm sorry it happened.
But you two need to reconnect on a higher level, not just watch TV together. Me and Mike talk about the stupid little things all the time, idle chit chat, yes, stupid yes, but we are still talking.
The lines of communication need to be open just as they are with your teachers. Gotta get to work, but I'll be back later.
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Post by Sorka on Nov 9, 2004 13:03:51 GMT -5
Can you guys set some ground rules..??Make a rule that either that OC time is your time,, or the VCR should be set to record it and watch it after the issues are dealt with.. Set an appointment time to talkonce a week, twice a week, every day.. where that is the only focus.. no screens no chores no nothing else.,,,
Make sure you reassure him that you want to fix this as much as he does because you WANT to deal with him for a LONG time..
Also again reiterate that the medication may work, may not work, may not work as well as he wants but may help a little, and you all need to work around it!
I think that setting an appointment to talk.. writing things down to cover during that time.. yeah.. it sounds formal and all, but if you start doing it I think it might help..
I hope this helps!!!
Denise
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Post by Linda on Nov 9, 2004 13:06:57 GMT -5
oliviasmommy...you are NOT a flake...you just told us the straterra was helping you,give it a chance.Someone here is going to get mad at me but I think your husband is the "flake"...hang in there girl...you are doing all you can do right now!
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Post by rosyred45 on Nov 9, 2004 18:11:48 GMT -5
Um, Linda, you took the words outta my mouth  I was going to ask why he is being impatient with you.  You are going through a major life change just as anyone does. It doesn't matter if it is cancer or a canker sore, it affects the both of you. Like Sorka said, set an appointment. Me and Mike do that all of the time. OK< AFTER WORK ON TUESDAY WE CAN TALK ABOUT.......Alright, Star Trek comes on what ever night it does now, I know tha tis definately NOT the time to talk to him. Nope, Your not a flake, your trying to figure out what to do. (((((((((((hugs)))))))))))) Keep the communication lines up and honest |
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Post by oliviasmommy on Nov 10, 2004 12:39:52 GMT -5
Thanks everyone - I needed to hear alot of that. His main problem is his insecurity - I've dealt with it for over 8 years now, it has gotten way better but never seems to go away. He's been through therapy, we've gone together for counseling and he always feels that I am going to leave him. Stems from being cheated by his ex-wife and the mother of his daughter. While I understand and normally cope pretty well with it, usually he is thinking I'm leaving, not the other way around.
when i went home last night he apologized first of all for calling at work. he knows that pretty much no one there knows about my dx, so he admitted that was uncalled for. And he said he knows that it's going to take some time, it's just scary for him because i've had so much trouble focusing and it reminds him of how things were before his wife left, distanced I guess. Once again, I AM NOT HER!!!!!!! I swear I'm going to tattoo that across my forehead. so I understand his worry, reassured him that leaving is not even something that crosses my mind, and we're okay. he did say that he "just wants to have me to himself all the time" to which I reminded him of our 3 kids, my job, everything else I have to deal with - that is not possible. I do think we either need to get out together more, or find someone to pawn the kids off on so that we can have some alone time.
So today everything is roses again - which by the way is what I love about add - I never dwell on ANYTHING for long, so problems never last long for me. I can be irritated for a little while, then *poof* something else comes up and I'm fine. but thanks to everyone for the support - i dont know what I's do w/o you! ;D
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Post by rosyred45 on Nov 10, 2004 12:49:58 GMT -5
See, all better, next problem......kidding. If he is insecure because of his Ex-he has an understanding of where it comes from right? Get that Tatoo. Just try not to dwell on that part of it and GET OUT OF THE HOUSE MORE or PAWN THE KIDS AND HAVE THE HOUSE TO YOURSELVES. Either one will work, we do both  Glad to see it's better, sometimes things just come to a head and burst. |
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Post by Sorka on Nov 11, 2004 18:31:46 GMT -5
Hey you can pawn your kids off on Kaiti.. she is in NJ too!!!! Hehehhe..
;D
Denise
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Post by rosyred45 on Nov 11, 2004 18:47:06 GMT -5
Dang, didn't think about that  Thanks for that reminder. OK, shoot down the turnpike to exit 1, I'll meet you at the Pilot gas station, then jump on 40 go to AC, and I'll meet you back at Pilot to get your kids. Just let me know what they can and can't have to eat  |
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mothercat
Member Emeritus
With a little luck and a lot of Gods help anything is possible!
Posts: 1,468
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Post by mothercat on Nov 13, 2004 13:30:26 GMT -5
my hubby and I finally cured the my not listening to him delima . I know what you all are going thru as it is hard to maintain being 'not focused' and a working mom and a housewife. I may not pull a paycheck but I have to be gone alot. My hubby finally gave up reasoning and cured me of the tv and listening thing. He just started shutting the tv off when he came into the room. He asked what was more important him or the "idiot box" and I figured out that there is nothing on tv that isnt later a rerun or just stupid anyway. I have also learned that he really does just need me to listen.
If I want to see tv there are other times and now I tend to pick more carefully what I watch...it used to be on from 4:30 am to 11:00 pm now I only find a few shows actually interesting and we do talk more..rather I do listen more.. the we time is tougher as we havent been out alone for probably 11 yrs that it wasnt grocery shopping or something with 100 people involved..we thought when the kids got older it would get easier to get out...yeah right.
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Post by rosyred45 on Nov 13, 2004 14:52:23 GMT -5
Your bursting my hopesmothercatelen  I know what you mean though, sometimes thing that need priority don't really come to the top of our pecking order. Hope everything is running smoother now |
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mothercat
Member Emeritus
With a little luck and a lot of Gods help anything is possible!
Posts: 1,468
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Post by mothercat on Nov 13, 2004 16:46:51 GMT -5
Actually I consider it a blessing as both my hubby and I show tendancies towards adhd with me always having believed I am just a half wit ( with the not focusing) . We neither one medicate and we have learned to communicate. give and take, and survive without killing one another. No we never seem to go out (less you count wal mart...Idont) but we have managed to be good parents and if a little less tv was goiing to kill me I would be dead. I'm not..neither is he.
THE BEST THIG is IT IS A TWO WAY THING HE HAS TO LISTEN TO ME a pain worse than death at times.hehe
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