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Post by Douglas on Aug 15, 2004 6:58:23 GMT -5
Have any ADHD adults on this site ever found themselves the subject of character attack, from friends or family or co-workers?
That is, have the symptoms of ADHD ever led to cutting, hurtful remarks of this nature:
"You're lazy!"
"You only care about your own agenda, you can't be bothered to remember what's important to me!"
"You're not a team player!"
"Oh, you 'forgot?' Why can't you be more honest?"
... and so on.
Does it add to the burden you're already toting around?
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Post by coyote on Aug 15, 2004 10:40:15 GMT -5
I would have to say that this is probably what finally led to the end of my first marriage. There were a lot of other factors at work, too, but the constant criticism and verbal abuse caused me to hate her, and it wore at my sanity to the point I felt I had no other (morally and legally acceptable) choice but to leave her. And since she had me so convinced that it was my fault for being such a terrible person, I never thought that my dysfuntion might have a clinical root, and I never considered getting any professional help.
Although I wish I had addressed this issue many years ago, I'm kind of glad I didn't, because that may have resulted in me staying in that marriage. I'm glad I did not, because I'm in a very happy relationship now with a wonderful woman who has helped me to see that I'm a good person with a problem that can be helped. I feel so much more optimisitic now than I have felt for many years.
I still get the occasional criticism though,...."Why haven't you gotten that done?" "I shouldn't have to remind you..." "How could you forget that?" "You never listen." "You don't act like you care about me."
That last one hurts the most, and causes the most stress, because I do care about her so much. Hearing this enough was the motivation I needed to finally seek help from a doctor.
Wish me luck.
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Post by coyote on Aug 15, 2004 10:47:11 GMT -5
p.s. - The crowning moment in my first marriage was the night I was sitting at work and remembered that I had forgotten to set the VCR to tape some stupid reality show that my ex-wife just had to see, and I knew that there would be all kinds of hell to pay when I got home -- hours of screaming and verbal assults. I became physically ill, and I knew that I couldn't live like that anymore.
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Post by Linda on Aug 15, 2004 10:57:19 GMT -5
coyote(((((hugs)))))....no one needs that kind of abuse ADHD or not.I hope things are better for you now.
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Post by AnneM on Aug 15, 2004 13:33:13 GMT -5
Coyote .. I agree with Linda ... but it does sound like you are in a much better relationship now ... GOOD LUCK! My husband is definitely an undiagonosed add'er ... and I am guilty on occasions of getting very frustrated with him! ... For example this morning he went to 'fix' the bathroom tap because it had been dripping... he took out the bath panel and had all the tools in the bathroom ... he then got totally distracted and I found him in the garden gardening! ... I asked whether he had finished in the bathroom ... and no he hadn't ... he would "go back to that" .... Meantime the bathroom was unusable... the tools were all over the room ... the water to the house was turned OFF (he had turned it off when starting on the bathroom)... and he was gardening!! ...  I have to admit that at times like that I do say things I shouldn't!! ... I hope I don't go on "too much" but lets just say I did say words to the effect of "PLEASE, PLEASE can you FINISH WHAT YOU WERE DOING FIRST before starting on something else and leaving the first job totally unfinished for hours and all of us with no water!!" .... Bless him though .... at that point he DID go back to the bathroom and finished fixing the tap! ... I can see though on occasions how a non-adhd'er can say things which are potentially hurtful to the adhd'er! ... and I know on occasions I have myself! ... |
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Post by songwriter on Aug 15, 2004 13:33:19 GMT -5
I hear this from time to time " It's all about you, isnt it?" or" Dont my needs count for anything". I wish she could spend a day in my ADHD shoes. Maybe I need to spend a day in her shoes- on second thought, I'd rather not - my feet would be pretty sore at days end.
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Post by buttercup on Aug 16, 2004 2:57:17 GMT -5
I can't even explain how bad I feel for starting a project and getting distracted and forgetting that I was supposed to be finishing something up. It hurts so bad.
The most hurtful thing I remember hearing from my aunt whom I idolized (lived with her for a year in high school) was,
"Why didn't you do X?"
'I forgot."
"Well, stop forgetting things all the time."
It sounds benign, but I was so ashamed that I had forgotten something important in the first place, and I was so hurt to see her disappointment with me. I just felt that I was a really dopey, bad, unworthy kid.
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Post by Douglas on Aug 16, 2004 7:17:11 GMT -5
buttercup, that's the worst of it --- the shame that others instill inside us when we have done our flawed, hormonally-imbalanced ADHD best.
we need something in our lives to assure us that we are NOT 'dopey, bad, unworthy' ...
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Post by rosyred45 on Aug 16, 2004 8:06:37 GMT -5
I think the worst for me and my husband, I'll be speaking for him here today  , is honesty. Since we both leave things unfinished sometimes, we both KNOW not to knock the other, but rather help them. When things don't get done around here, we are both to blame, so it is hard to point a finger. With respect to what Buttercup said, I was the dopey, scatterbrained, unworthy kid. Not because of my parents, persay, but from being teased as a kid. Even today, I have a hard time saying no to people for things. I've gotten better, but I still see things as separate issues, even from the same person. Example: I let X borrow something, they break it and don't pay to replace it, I'll think about it, but if X asks to borrow it again, I'll let them.....thinking it was an accident to begin with.....and it could happen again and again....does that make sense? I just don't want someone to need something that I could help with. So I am a pushover.  |
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Post by jdmom on Aug 18, 2004 18:28:58 GMT -5
I get in trouble a lot at work because my desk is so messy. My boss and I get along great....which means she's not afraid to really tell me off when she's ticked off. I try to explain to her that if it is on my desk, I notice it, so therefore it gets done. If I stick it in one of the trays, way back there on the far corner of my desk, and then stack other stuff on top of it..... So all works in progress and things that need to be done stay on top of my desk, under my nose. She only yells at me every few months when she can't stand it anymore, then I'll come in over a weekend or stay late and get it all done so it looks like I've organized things, when actually, I've just completed them. Works for us.  |
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Post by Douglas on Aug 19, 2004 20:02:46 GMT -5
Been there! it is impossible to get this across to someone-who-isn't-one-of-us: our messes WORK for us ...
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Post by rosyred45 on Aug 23, 2004 8:57:15 GMT -5
I was told yesterday that I had a brightness to me ???I never realized I hadn't. But just thinking about it, I have been off all summer, except last week, I worked 3 days. Maybe just getting out of the house for that short period of time helps me I guess. Even Mike agreed with the guy that said it. (which at this time of hte month, I should be witchy  ) so Mike laughed |
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Post by Douglas on Oct 13, 2004 8:41:17 GMT -5
Some time off never hurts!
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Post by rosyred45 on Oct 13, 2004 9:20:17 GMT -5
Nope, and now, being back to work it's alot better  We actually have money in the bank, although if I remember to take it out, I wouldn't be rolling pennies for the kids lunches |
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Post by Douglas on Oct 27, 2004 13:24:25 GMT -5
I've been interested in this question of character attacks on adults with ADD symptoms, and the more I learn, the more I'm realizing that MANY behavioral sink-holes in human experience are the result of hormonal imbalances and neurotransmitters out of kilter.
I suspect that 100 years from now, our culture will look pretty foolish for the way we've handled each other ...
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