Just Learning

[Learner]

Hi,

This site was recommended to me. I'm happy to find an adult ADHD site. I'm new to ADHD and to Chat Rooms so please be patient with me. I wasn't sure whether to how to join the chat so I just clicked on "New Thread", but a lot of the posts are interesting to me.

I didn't learn about my ADHD until I was already retired, even though my old son is diagnosed LD (not ADHD although he has it I think). It has really changed my whole view of my life. But I am uncertainly what to do with the idea. It seems like a waste of money (which I don't have a lot of anymore to go get officially diagnosed, although a psychologist and psychiatrist have told me I have classic symptoms and certainly I agree based on what I have learned about it.

I started into counselling to deal with retirement because everybody, including myself, saw me as a Type A driver who would never adjust to not being buried in work.

Turns out that was all depression avoidance and anxiety. I having been taking the antidepressant Celexa and it has done wonders for getting my life in balance, along with Trazadone to solve my lifelong insomnia. But they didn't solve memory, distraction and structure problems.

So recently I started searching again and examining my ADHD. I started Ritalin and it is helpful with problems above, but instead of calm I get high tension along with better attention. I've been trying lower and lower doses and that helps but mostly I need to share my experience, strength and hope with people in the same position.

I look forward to hearing from all of you.

Larry

[HooDunnit]

Hi Larry and welcome to the forums. We are happy to have you here.

How old are you now? What symptoms of ADHD do you see as being a problem for you as a retired person?

Barry

[Dad2Brooke]

Learner, welcome aboard.

Gee, retired huh? One of these days.....

Anyway, we are glad to have you here and hope that this forum allows you to find the answers for which you are searching.

We have an absolutely great bunch of people here and I'm sure you will fit right in.

Again, welcome aboard.

[Learner]

Thanks for the warm welcome. I'm 67. And just because I'm not working doesn't mean I have enough money to retire. My wife thinks we'll be eating dog food in a few years. No pension so I'm playing the IRA game --will I die first or run out of money first--depends on which advisor you listen too. Numbers are way beyond me--I've always been the "creative" type--sound like ADHD?

I don't know what most affect me in retirement. I started thinking about it and because my "working memory" was getting so bad--I didn't know the term then. I've always been the disorganized absent minded professor but age just increased the problems.

I think maybe, unconsciously, that was one reason I left my job last spring. I was aware that I wasn't doing the job I used, that all the problems I'd always had--structure, organization, memory we getting worst. I really didn't leave to retire. I left to help a guy start a business--always my weakness. It lasted less than a month.

But what has surprised me is the relief I've felt and how happy my life has been since (partly because of the relief from depression, of course). I've been very productive working on a business my son an I started. Its really that venture that first sent me into counselling. Impulsiveness and risk taking. I've jumped into losing business venture several times. But I've always made enough money as an employee to make up for it. But for this last one--with helping my son as an excuse--I used retirement money and got into debt. I finally realized--with much "frank talk" from my wife, that something was wrong with my thinking.

Now I am trying to take advantage of an opportunity to extracate myself. But that has take a lot of work and nearly a year--with no income.

But, I'm not worrying about it much--which is unusual--and am really feeling better consistently than I have since I was a kid. And I don't want to go back to work. Don't know if I'm enlightened or irresponsible.

The other ADHD thing I'm just learning about begins to explain why I'm such a loner and really have no friends at the moment. I'm trying to remedy that and get out, although I'm perfectly happy at home in front of this computer. My wife has an active social life but I have grumbled so much that she leaves me alone and goes on her own now.

I'm looking forward to checking out the relationship string? (Is that what you call it?) that I see listed.

Thanks again,

Larry

[rosyred45]

Hi Larry, welcome. I Haven't been in the adult adhd thing very long, but the more I am here, the more I wonder....hmmmmm me , but our family already knows my son gets it from both sides. Hyper from my husband , impulsive from me...

Any hoo, please don't worry too much, worry makes everything seem worse. My husband sounds like you, content to sit in front of the computer all day. Well, that is until he just found spike tv and their Star Trek marathons. HAHA, I've actually learned quite a bit from them, so I don't complain.

Any how, errands to run, take care, and if you need something, just hollar, some one around here will hear ya!!
Kaiti

[1mom]

welcome larry!
really enjoyed your post--so fresh and honest! i'm spouse to an (as yet) undiagnosed adhd'er and have a teen son with adhd, so i find it extremely valuable to read insights like yours. the relationship thread has taught me much--good folks and topics to consider. i think you'll really fit in well here.
prayers,
1mom

[LitlBaa]

Welcome, Larry!

My hubby was dx'd several months ago at age 42, so we're dealing with some of the same issues.

Glad you found us!

[rosyred45]

Hey Larry,
I just thought about it, is your wife ready to kill you yet?
Seriuosly, but not. A Janitor retired from the school here a few years ago. I ran into his wife about 6 months after he retired. She was tickled to death they asked him back for a coverage of a vacation.

What kind of things do you do?
Kaiti

[sierra]

Howdy Learner.

I'm a nearly 50 yo ADHDer with two ADHD sons. DH is ADHD too in my humble opinion. Just found out today he's living on the banks of De Nile. Thought he had that all settled in his mind. Guess not!

I used to find it easly to divide my life up into little chunks and focus on one chunk at a time. That seems to be what is becoming harder for me. All the little chunks are running together like spilled paint and I can focus on one thing or worry about one thing at a time any more.

I'm thinking about simplifying my life somehow. Though how to simplify is hard to figure out. It seems like everything is important and it's mostly on my shoulders.

[Learner]

Is my wife ready to kill me? Ah, yes. We’ve hit some really rough spots. For one thing the business and the money I’ve put into it have become a real issue between us. She’s right; of course, I never should have invested as much as I did if I wanted to retire. But that was just the centerpiece. I not only worked lone hours but had traveled a lot for over 30 years. We had simply lost track of each other and, for her, it was like a stranger invading her house.

We were driving each other crazy but we seem to be over the worst of it. We try to talk a lot and are really learning doing a lot of the things we did together before we had kids.

Learning about my ADHD has helped us both.

What do I do? A lot. Although I don’t give myself credit—I’m never satisfied with my productivity. I have just started going to an ADHD support group meeting and they had a guest speaker—a counselor who specializes in ADHD. He was talking about the difficulty we have with structuring our time. I’ve always thought I was an expert in that since I come from the pr consulting business where everything is bill based on time. But he described how one patient made to-do lists (which I always do on my computer) but only saw that he had set an impossible number of tasks for himself for that day when the counselor took him through them and had him assign time to each one. It hit me. That’s me. That’s why I have always felt behind and overwhelmed and forced and victimized—which added procrastination to the problem.

Anyway, my priority activity lately has been my new granddaughter—Emma Kaylin who’s just two months old. I love just holding her. I try to go over most weekdays for an hour or two. I pretend it’s to help my daughter-in-law but it’s really for me. It’s such a feeling of peace to watch her sleep and realize that this is new life.

When I retired, the first thing I did was set up an exercise and diet program and stick to it. I have lost 35 pounds and am in much better shape. Without the compulsive eating habits I had before. With the depression gone and being off the road, its much easier.

Beyond that, this business takes a lot of my time plus a dozen projects. I’m an information hound and enjoy having the time to look up things I’m curious about. And I like to write. After spending most of my time writing for other in PR, I’m happy writing for myself. My major project is sort of an autobiography/family history for my kids. I grew up in a house of secrets and lies so I’m driven to let them have as much of who we are so they can understand who they are, as I can put together.

I’ve sort of unenthusiastically looking for a job now. I feel guilty not bringing in any income when my wife is so anxious about it. I started out wanting to be a teacher and took a job in PR “temporarily” while I got my MA. That was 35 years ago. I’m trying to teach a few courses now at the junior colleges around here, but haven’t had much luck so far.

That and a dozen other things are what I do. There is never enough time to get it all done, let alone start on all the things I want to learn and do. I need another lifetime.

Let me hear more your lives.

Larry ;D

[rosyred45]

Thank you Larry for being so frank, haha, are you frank now? sorry, bad timing.

You said you have an MA, have you ever substituted at en elementary school? I know around here, the schools are hard pressed to find subs because once one gets sick, they all get sick. Can't even give me an excuse about age either.

The best sub around here that ALL of the kids talk about is a gentleman that is in his mid-70's. He talks about EVERYTHING. He is the most eloquent speaker, doesn't raise his voice. Even the "disruptive" kids are kept at ease. He just gives them the reminder that :
When I was your age.....and they listen.

Don't dwell to much on the getting to know your lovely wife again, I feel like that every other week when my husband changes shift. Isn't she beautiful, wonderful and the best thing since sliced bread? And that granddaughter sounds beautiful as well.

I'll fill you in later about me, more in depth any how, got some macaroni to get cooking. Have a good night!!
Kaiti

[Learner]

That's a good idea about substituting, but I don't have an MA. I have 30 credit hours but never quite got the degree. I've learned that a life full of unfinished projects is normal for ADHDers. But my daughter who lives on the East coast only has a BA and she's substituting so maybe I can be qualified. I'll look into it. Thanks.

[rosyred45]

oops, darn speed reading course didn't work, I just reread what you put. My apologies.

Growing up while my mom was "finishing" college, she started at 18, but her mom passed away so she had to put school on hold to take care of the rest of my aunts and uncles, she subbed here and there. Then she finally graduated in 95 or 96. Now she's teaching full time, but the subbing helped to supliment the wages and all.

That's ok, about the college thing too. I have 33 credits, and direct the before and afterschool program here. I've worked at SACC (school age child care) since I was 18 and going to college. Up the ranks I went till now, in my 12th year here. I've had other jobs here and there, but I have always been at SACC too. It was my mom's baby(she started the program), so we gotta keep it going.

I think what I like about it is the kids, well, I know that, but I love to get paid for yelling at kids, eating snack, making crafts....hey, got paid to jump rope this morning ;D
My only down fall is the paper work, which isn't too bad, but me and the bookkeeper need to work out a new system. This one doesn't seem to work. I'm doing the numbers, which she should be, and she's telling me I'm wrong, well DUH, you ARE the BOOKKEEPER, do it yourself. Sorry for the rant.

Any how, just some stuff to think about, oh, and the best kids are the ones with the dx. They love ya to pieces. I can deal with them better any how, hmmmm wonder why ;D
Kaiti

[Honeysmom]

Hi Learner and welcome!!! ;D

I noticed that you wrote you were more aware of your behaviors recently. I noticed myself that I became more aware of my behaviors and tendencies when I started taking Welburtin. I recently stopped taking it because of some problems I had with it. I think the medication made me become more aware of myself. I wondered if this is the way others saw me too. I talked to my DH about it and he just laughed. All of the things that others saw about me I was finally seeing for myself. It is sort of an eye opener. On the other hand, you can't change a problem if you don't see it.

What kind of business were you working on? I work on a project with puppies with my Mother-in-law. She takes orders from people on what kind, color, and sex of dog they want and then she finds them one. Since our family is located throughout the state (WI) we can usually find anything anyone is looking for. I just picked up a litter of puppies last night and my kids asked if they could keep one. I told my DH that I can't keep them b/c when I look at them all I see is my profit. I said keeping one would be like throwing money away. He laughed and said, "Why not, I tried to run a farm for 5 years and that would have been easier for us to just throw the money away."

He was probably right. Buying our cows own cows was the worst thing we ever did, it's much safer to run someone else's farm. But we never would've know that unless we tried. Trying to do it on your own is lots and lots of work, and it is depressing when it does not work out the way you want it to. Oh well, live and learn....

I do lots of that, living and learning.

I hope you find the same help and support here that the rest of us do. All of the people on this board are really great.

[Learner]

You opened up another possibility for me, Kaiti. I had never thought about childcare. I find that other people look at me strangely when I say I really enjoy infants and young kids, but I do. And I'm an only child who really didn't have a lot of contact with younger kids growing up.

But from the moment my daughter was born (my first wife), I really took charge more than she did. It really tore me apart when she moved away with her (at about 3-years old) when we were divorced. Of course, it could have had something to do with the fact that I was a raging alcoholic by that time--now I'm in AA with 27 years sobriety.

I got married again to my present wife and we had our two boys pretty quickly. Since I was the one with "experience" I was very much involved with their infancy--even though I was still drinking.

Anyway, that love of working with small children is still with me so I think I'll look into childcare work as well.

I have become more aware of my behavior--don't know whether its the medicine or just the ADHD discovery. Its like I have to filter my whole life through a different lens. Its exciting in one way because I love to "live and learn." But there is also mourning that I didn't discover it sooner and how I could have lived a much more ADHD friendly life. Instead, I feel like I forced myself into a mold that was the least appropriate direction I could have taken. I saw my ADHD and LD as stupidity and spent my like trying to prove it and "them" wrong by trying to live up to an image that I was "brillant."

I feel like I'm on the right track for the first time in my life. But its sad because its so late. I don't even know if its worth trying to get a real diagnosis at this point. I'm sure and it wouldn't really change anything.

Larry