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Post by rosyred45 on Jan 23, 2004 6:08:30 GMT -5
Good Start Karen,
We are here if you need us
Prayers for you
Kaiti
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Post by GSDMommy on Jan 25, 2004 9:13:11 GMT -5
KTQuilter, I think you are doing the right thing. If this shelter is worth their salt they will see this as abuse. It is more the reaction of your daughter that is signaling that there is danger in this situation. She is groveling, apologizing, adjusting, accommodating, etc. She is losing herself. From personal experience, when you do this long enough, you have amuch harder time remembering who you are/were. She is in danger. My experience was someone suggested a battered spouses group. I thought "I don't fit that, but I'll look into it so I know what to look for in case my situation goes that way." I was completely typical <one time in my life I am typical, and this is it???> and said to the first woman there "hey, I don't belong here, this isn't my thing, I'm sorry for bugging you guys!" She patted my arm and said "Stay a while and maybe you fit in more than you thought" She was right. Oh man was she right. I found myself sharing a lot of ugly stuff I had filed away as "He's just upset" "He got carried away" "If I just didn't push his buttons so much, things would be OK" Well, I am more assertive now than I have ever been and my marriage is strong and my husband <if he has had enough of me being difficult, he just gets quiet and sometimes rubs my feet or feeds me>. I can offer one idea as well, if the local shelter doesn't have any ability to help......I would be willing to email you my story and it could be left there for her to read on the monitor....I know indirect will be the only way this will work. SHE has to see and decide to change the dynamic. I love the idea of the movie <like Farah Fawcett in Burning Bed , if I remember right> or books about abused women who triumph <preferably without a gun!!!>I think that will be your best shot. You stated that was your comfort zone and way of doing things and getting across to your kids. I think you are right, the best idea is to do things the way you are used to doing things. I think volunteering is a wonderful idea. When your daughter hears all these people calling in with similar stories <" My husband/boyfriend/Significant other keeps telling me I shouldn't wear make up. He/She doesn't like my friends adn thinks they are trying to control me. He/She thinks I need to grow up and stop having so much to do with my parents/family. He/She is concerned about me going to counseling because therapists plant ideas in their clients' heads because they all hate men/women."> she may look at her own situation through the lens of other's experiences. Volunteering will hopefully educate her so that this is the LAST control relationship she ends up in!! Of course, you have my prayers, but I think you are doing a great job and GO MOM!!! She is lucky to have a mom who is concerned and wants to take action! |
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Post by kstquilter on Jan 25, 2004 18:34:32 GMT -5
gsd,
thanks so much for your kind words and encouragement. what a great board we have here.
unfortunately the volunteering and being around a shelter won't work. the shelter here requires 42 hours of training. i hadn't planned to try to counsel these women, way out of my range. had just hoped to be around to do other things that she could learn and understand she's in this cycle.
however i will be getting suggestions for reading material from someone at the shelter who works with the teens. they basically said the same thing you did, to leave it lying around, let her find it on her own and it'll mysteriously disappear and then reappear when she's done.
the woman i talked to said we basically have to wait for it to get worse before we can help her or get her to accept help. it's hard for me to believe we have to wait for it to get worse. but at least some reading material for me will help me learn about this and maybe she will pick it up and see herself as well.
we do have one other possibility. we might be moving in the next few months. it's been something that's been in the works for awhile so we've been able to talk about it but nothing specific yet. sounds like dh's job is starting to talk about it again. and we'd go back to GA where both kids were born and far enough from here that they'd have to break up. we're not talking about this latest thing with her, don't want to give them any more time than necessary to plot and plan. from what we can tell, she still associates herself with us as a family enough to assume she'd be going with us. the quicker this happens, the better that part goes. plus we plan to explain she has to go to stay on our insurance. She's always wanted to go back to GA until the past few months when she knows he'd break up with her if they were very far apart. so now she wants to go to school here.
since moving is a distinct possiblity, sort of hate to get started on therapy here. and if we can get away from here it would get her out of the situation. she could heal and move on and hopefully figure out with the next boyfriend that she didn't get treated very well with this one.
i can't tell all of you how much your support and reassurance that she is probably being abused has helped me to understand this situation better. each of you has helped me more than you can know. so thank you again.
karen
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Post by kstquilter on Feb 7, 2004 21:11:24 GMT -5
Update:
Well thought i'd update everyone a little. still nothing good to report.
a family friend in the army was here on leave this past week. He says he tried to see dd alone and she wouldn't agree to it. i asked him to ask her because i figured she wouldn't go. guess i wanted someone in person who knows her to affirm that we have a problem here.
turns out she wouldn't even see him and his girlfriend along with her and boyfriend. she claims he didn't call her but he said he called her a couple times and she made excuses.
i have gotten some questionnaires for her to fill out from a shelter. don't think she'll give them any thought right now. but looking for their next fight and may try to bring them out and show them to her.
wish i had something good to report. just thought i'd let everyone know since you've all been so kind.
karen
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Post by GSDMommy on Feb 9, 2004 13:34:38 GMT -5
That sounds scary. I couldn't imagine being in your shoes right now. I would definitely feel like breaking down the doors and dragging her to a doctor os someone to get her help. I know from experience that won't be the best way of doing things. I wish I had something magical to tell you to make everything better, all I have to say is "you have my prayers"!
The only other possibility is to borrow someone's people aggressive dog for a night when the guy comes over...........:-D. Hmmm.......rereading that sentence makes me think I might be a tad low on chocolate......:-D
Seriously though, I hope you can find some peace in this situation and keep a lookout for bruising. I am concerned that the reason she is avoiding people is because she is bruised. It certainly doesn't sound like it is getting better. Do you guys have a family therapist? Wonder what the therapist's take on an intervention would be.....like you do with drugs/alcohol.....dunno. Lots and lots of prayers.......please keep us updated. This whole thing is very very concerning.
Take care!
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Post by Honeysmom on Feb 9, 2004 14:38:13 GMT -5
That is not a bad idea, you don't want to be decitful, but if you could get her to se a counselor on another premis she wouldn't suspect the real reason.
I am glad to hear that nothing devastating has happened since you let updated us. Keep your chin up! You have way more patience than I think I ever could. Good for you!! ;D
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Post by kstquilter on Feb 9, 2004 19:19:26 GMT -5
thanks guys,
you would have the patience honeysmom because you'd have to.
i keep hoping there is no bruising and honestly don't think there is at this point. however i also know this sort of thing can escalate to that level. i am watching for it.
right now, i think it's the control and lack of trust. he is gradually isolating her, i have to assume we're next.
this book i am reading is so frightening on one hand because i see what's happening on every page. however, it's helping me to understand bit by bit why she is staying, etc.
it's hard to read so it's slow going. i borrowed it from the library so may have to buy it so i can keep it around.
therapy was my first thought and isn't out of the question. however if we are moving in the near future i also hate to get started, take the time, money and trust involved in this only to leave. moving also eliminates the immediate problem of boyfriend.
i think that if we haven't heard something specific on moving in the next couple of weeks, i'm going to try to check into therapy more seriously. i already have a couple of possible names.
she's been to therapy a couple times over the years but she hasn't liked any of the them except for the first who won't see her again because it was so long ago, she's considered a new patient.
thank you all for the prayers. the more the better. right now i'm praying for the patience to wait for the right time to approach her. i can't afford to push her further away from us and closer to him.
wish i knew one of those dogs tho! i want to rip this kid apart every time i see him. and lack of chocolate isn't an excuse for me!!
karen
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Post by GSDMommy on Feb 9, 2004 20:05:03 GMT -5
You have all the prayers you can stand!!!
Hmmm....thinking about the therapy thing.....does she have any level of trust with the family doctor? The doctor could be a good person to visit a couple of times. She would also get an examinationas well and you wouldn't be terribly involved with that situation. Maybe she has allergies that are acting up? Possibly you could call the doc ahead of the appt and let him/her know what the concern is if you trust them to be able to handle this well. Does she go to school? Maybe a school therapist? It can be anyone, as long as she feels like she is safe and that everyone isn't against her boyfriend. He is probably telling her that everyone hates him because they want to control her and he is the only person with her best interests at heart....so if you go off on the guy it plays into his game too well. I think you're doing the perfect job in walking that tightrope. Does she know about the moving date or possibility? I hope she doesn't feel pressured to jump ship to be with him....I know I am hitting a lot of points here and I hope I am not butting in. I am having a few things pop into my head I thought I would put them out there for you to use if you want. Another concern I have is the move won't cure her going for this type of person. If it isn't this guy, she may end up repeating the cycle. I hope and pray not......but it can happen.
As far as the dog, call the local shelter and ask for a loaner???LOL......Cadbury's caramello bars cure almost anything......:-D
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Post by rosyred45 on Feb 9, 2004 21:53:30 GMT -5
I've been off for a couple of days, but the point that GDS made about everyonr being against them has sung an honest tune. That is what I was told.
I don't know what it was that kept me with this guy, but everything to him was "me against the world" He had money, he had smarts, but the thing that he didn't have was control. And that is where I stepped in. When he knew that he could control what, where, when who and why, then it went to his head.
Karen, and everyone, you have all been in my prayers, especially if you have been through or are going through this.
Well, phone, prayers for now
Kaiti
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Post by kstquilter on Feb 9, 2004 22:23:51 GMT -5
thanks to all for the prayers. i don't think there can be too many.
she does know our name is still in the hat for moving but it's been there for over a year. we aren't telling her it may be more imminent. don't want them to have any more time to plan anything than necessary.
i know moving won't keep her from ending up with someone just like him or worse. but feel like she could get some distance and have a chance to be on her own again, we could talk about it without any consequences and maybe she could move on and find someone who would treat her like she should be treated.
she has just recently switched from her pediatrician to our family dr. i don't think she's had enough dealings with the new dr. to have a real trust built up.
she is at community college but doubt she'd feel like she had a reason to go. plus i work at the college, although at an off campus site.
thanks for the laugh too, boring a dog from the shelter might be the answer!!
the laugh was much appreciated today. reading this book is much harder than i ever thought it would be. i've been extra emotional about it today for some reason. so thanks again for the laugh.
karen
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